quarantine

truly, i have never been this inactive or unproductive in my entire life. i began feeling a big under the weather last weekend, and i called in sick to work on monday (which i very close to never do). i returned to work on tuesday to a roomful of smiling faces. then, after feeling progressively worse over the course of the day, decided to pop by the clinic on my way home. if for no other reason than for confirmation that "it was nothing" and because i was less than three weeks away from an arduous trip halfway 'round the world to China. i sat through the H&P with the physician, who, based on a few of my responses to her questions, decided to do a flu test. she swabbed the inside of my left nostril and left the room. she returned three minutes later, saying "um, yeah, it usually takes ten minutes minimum to get a result. you have the flu. you are on bedrest and quarantined for at least the next five days. i'll prescribe you Tamiflu in case it's not too late for it to be effective in staving off some of the symptoms. have some cough syrup too. whatever that is that is beginning to rumble in your chest will become a problem". great. so, i dropped off the prescriptions, drove next door to Kroger to pick up some groceries and went to rent some movies. five movies. i have not rented five movies total in the past year. i watched four of them the next day. while lying on the mattress that i mustered the strength to drag from my guest room onto the floor of the only room in my house with a television set. i wanted to preserve the sanctity of my actual bedroom. i did not want to be sick in there. and i certainly did not want to invade it with the media. so far, this week, i have watched: HITCH LACKAWANNA BLUES ABOUT A BOY (for the 2nd time) WEDDING CRASHERS ROOTS (the original miniseries from 1977, in its entirety) ALFIE (the not-so-original from 2004, although with all the changes, i guess it is original in its own way) BRIAN WILSON ON TOUR TO HAVE AND TO BE (a French documentary about a one-room schoolhouse) I also bought HUSTLE & FLOW, which is amazing. watch CRASH first, though. so that you will TRULY appreciate Terence Howard's H&F performance. i am building a new web site this week (once I get my new software) so that i can properly chronicle and share the China experience. date of departure is March 6. am very excited and a little nervous -- mainly about the part where i am in charge of my two nieces (ages 13 and almost-13), neither of whom have ever left the continent or flown since they were infants. wow. okay, well i should be sleeping. the lights are out. they told me so. have had many fabulous words and thoughts drift through my mind this week but was too exhausted to write them down. holding out hope that they will find their way to my fingers before too long again.

clowns are people, too!

  what is there to say about this bus ride? we had enjoyed our few hours of escape in san miguel de allende, and we needed a little rest on the 2 hour bus ride back to san felipe. send in the clowns. and our brief peace was shattered. 

yo y clarinete el payaso

   

encouragement

isn't it amazing that one of the kindest, most appreciated gifts that you can give someone is completely free? i have received more than my share of encouragement in the past few months, from people very close to me as well as from people who are close to people who are close to me. and most recently, from a group of esteemed complete strangers. last week, i was told that i have been chosen, one of five, to participate in a very cool Masters' Level Creative Writing program created by The Dallas Writers' Garret (www.writersgarret.org) called Writers' CAMP (Community Authors Mentorship Program. From their brochure, I copy: Writers' CAMP is a non-credit creative writing program developed by The Writers' Garret for writers who want intensive study in poetry, fiction, creative nonfiction or playwriting. CAMP offers a unique combination of structure and flexibility that encourages students to develop the independent work-habits of professional writers. CAMP was developed for people with busy lives, children or full-time work who want to pursue their love of writing but otherwise could not. The two aspects of CAMP, community and mentorships, are key to the program. Because writing can be such an isolated activity, CAMP consciously cultivates a community of writers who balance activity with solitude. At advanced levels, CAMP students are eligible to receive one-on-one mentorships with qualified and professional writers. CAMP differs from traditional university/college creative writing programs by offering a non-credit, mostly self-directed course of study that permits writers to learn at their own pace, while still offering structure and guidance as they grow. CAMP also allows those on fixed incomes to trade community service in exchange for study. CAMP students teach in our Dallas Writers In The Schools (WITS) program, provide office and programming assistance and contribute to The Writers' Garret outreach in a myriad of ways. The mission of The Writers' Garret is to foster the development of writers and audiences by putting them in touch with quality literature, each other and the communities in which they live and write. Cool, huh? The Dallas Writers' Garret also presents a very cool literary series called "The Writers Studio" with local NPR station KERA. Check out the authors who will be interviewed this season here: http://www.writersgarret.org/thews.htm. So, to all of you who have been an amazing encouragement to me in the writing department -- Karyn, Diana, Helena, Jenny, Jenny's Dad Bernie, John, Alicen, Sally, Jessica, The Jeffs, The Scotts, Dad, Mom, Karen, Karyn, Aunt Tom, Connie, Becky, The Lauras, Deborah, Cyndi, Cindy, Leslie, Russ, Rachel, Brownlee, Heather, Luellyn, Dana, Dianna, Ms. Z., Donna, Tasha, Sarah, Mary Kathryn, Dotti, Jackson, Lori (I'm watching the Golden Globe Awards and have clearly been whisked away into some sort of acceptance speech moment...) -- I say 'thank you'. I love your feedback and I am constantly changed by you.

authentic community

as fate would have it, the teaching topic at church this morning was "community". but not just any kind of "community". "authentic community". the best kind. the kind that, like the best kind of love, is filled with people with whom we belong. who genuinely care for us. who hold us accountable. it is the kind of relationship that i long for. long. be-long. i believe that it is that kind of longing that lies within each of us that compels us. to do what, you ask? to seek. to satisfy. the longing. when we do not have that longing fulfilled, we start to disintegrate. dis-integrate. to intentionally not belong. or worse, to belong to the wrong. when all parts of us are not working together, integrated, we fall apart. maybe we do not notice it. or we have trained ourselves to believe that the disintegrated "us" is the normal, the default. but i don't think so. i believe that this crazy world we inhabit works constantly and strategically to convince us that we are alone, that we are an island. so that it, with all of its trappings, all of its services and products and programming, can swoop in and be our salvation. when, ironically, what we need to be saved from is that very same world and all that comes with it. take a week off from television. if you really pay attention and give yourself a true visual media sabbatical, when you turn it back on, you will be offended. not necessarily just morally, but at the very core of your being. it might occur to you to question the box, "you think you know me? who do you think i am?". when at precisely the same time of night, it shows you advertisements for an anti-depressant. or a pill to keep your herpes in check. or plays on your emotions to summon up memories of the music of your youth. it does know you. because you turn it on at the same bat-time and same bat-channel each day. or week. and it has someone on its payroll whose only purpose in life is to figure out who you are. what you use. where you go. what you eat. how you feel. when you were born. it's a sobering thought. identity theft does not just occur on paper. it occurs every time we turn on the television. it takes away our ability to relate to others. pay attention. when you are in a room full of people, how much authentic community is taking place if the television is on. there does not even have to be any volume. it still becomes the focus. it takes away all our sense of true human relationship. it works to make us believe we are alone by making itself the only thing we believe we have in common with others. it boasts that it is reality. while depriving us of our own. of this is not to say that there is not worthwhile programming in television. or that sometimes, it's okay to just sit down and vegetate. but maybe we should keep track of how often we do that. and maybe is there not something else we could do that would improve our quality of life for the long term? taking a walk. listening to a song. reading a great book. calling an old friend. baking something. meandering through the new grocery store down the street. i am writing this piece as much to myself as to anyone else i know. i am in the process of forcing myself out of the house. i no longer give myself the right to whine about my lack of relationship(s) when my own reclusivity is the culprit. last night, i went out with a friend -- our first stop was the urbanmarket in downtown dallas -- a lovely little grocery, florist and cafe. then we went to a great little salvadoran/mexican restaurant called Gloria's on greenville avenue. i forgot how much i loved exploring unfamiliar places like that. and i questioned myself about why i was completely comfortable flying to another country and spending months traveling around alone, yet going out in america alone gave me tiny little heart palpitations. and then i heard a quote from George Gallup, "americans are the loneliest people in the world". oh.

what if no one comes?

my brother and i are giving a little cocktail party tonight. last night, i went to purchase the little finger foods that will be placed strategically throughout my house, and the night before that, i picked up the wine -- some red, some white. my brother is bringing the beer. the playlists are set up on the computer to pipe the music that i love so much throughout the house. but what if no one comes? i have found that in today's world, people are fairly unpredictable. some people have let me know that they are certain they cannot stop by due to prior obligations. but there are several from whom i have not heard. what does that mean? are people afraid of being social? i am, at times, but i have learned to encourage myself to get out of the house. i have been fairly un-social (not anti-social) for the past few years, due simply to not having lived in a target-rich environment. i am enjoying my second cup of espresso roast right now. the 2nd cup with sugar, not the pink stuff. i try to be calorie conscious in ever-so-little ways, but i cannot bring myself to deprive myself of the perfect cup of coffee on a regular basis. i should be making sense of this disorganized house right now, because i think my mom will be arriving shortly, and if i do not have it all together by then, she might feel compelled to help, and i don't want her to feel like she has to work on something every time she comes to see me! although i always appreciate it. so. music. food. beverages. all i need now are the people. more on that aspect of the cocktails and conversation tomorrow!

happy birthday to me!

it's pre-6:00 a.m. on december 14th, and that means that all those years ago, i had just come into the world. 5:33 a.m., to be exact, i believe. wow. and i'm still here. last night, on birthday eve, i was writing the first draft of some goals for the next full year of my little life, and i found that they came with much greater ease than in years past. i was fairly diligent for several years about actually writing down goals at the end of the year, but for the past few years, since i returned to texas, i have not really paid attention to that practice. it just occurred to me last night, and i decided to begin it again. i recently applied to a three-year-long program called Community Authors Mentorship Program (CAMP), which is a boot-camp for writers which involves graduate level writing instruction and workshops. just getting the application done was a feat for me. i almost missed the deadline (Nov 15), and on that day, they posted an extended deadline to Dec 12. i almost missed that one too (do i have a fear of rejection?), and then i was told that if my application package was postmarked by Dec 12, it would still be valid. then, i had no excuse. so i went to the post office -- one of my least favorite things in the world to do, besides putting gas in my car and making cold calls. so, it's out there, along with 12 pages of writing samples and my heart. we shall see. anyway, sharing my writing more is one of my goals for 2006, to try and publish something, however simple or small-time. and i want to take guitar lessons again. and sing in public for someone's enjoyment. i have decided to place a lot of pressure on my right brain. can you tell? today is also the birthday of one of my students -- the most hard-headed and rebellious one. coincidence? i think not. anyway, his mom had asked permission to cook up tons of Mexican food and bring us all lunch today, but she told me on Monday that she could not do that because he had been punished for throwing away a gold necklace and medallion that his uncle had sent him from California. great. he's costing me a fabulous lunch! he's cost me more than that so far this semester, let me tell you. well, i will go now -- i hope you have a fabulous day. i plan to. however humble and low-key it may be. as Frosty the Snowman would say, "Happy Birthday!". i mean "Merry Christmas!".

it's about time for generosity

(each of the "it's about time" installments are the result of my mostly attentive note-taking during recent messages delivered by jeff kinkade at my church). the secret to real joy in life is generosity. not just talking about financial generosity but rather all year-round generosity. not talking about human generosity which is often motivated by a desire for recognition or for a tax break. but rather self-sacrificing, soul-energizing, God-glorifying generosity. "The generous sould will be made rich and he who waters will be watered himself" (Proverbs 11:25). the word used for "generous" in the original translation actually means "to bless". you can bless people in a variety of ways, with your tongue (kind, helpful words), your time, your talents and your treasure. who are you blessing in each of these ways? what happens to people who are genuinely generous? they... prosper -- do not perpetrate the notion of prosperity theology - that you will be wealthy if you give money. you can prosper by being a very joyful person. we live in a selfish, sinful and fallen world. generosity is something that has a boomerang effect. it brings joy to your life that is not characteristic of a fallen world. the measure of a life is not its duration but its donation. -- (peter marshall, former U.S. Senate Chaplain) generous people are... people of vision -- they are sure that God wants to use them for some purpose. take time soon to write a vision statement for your life, in part answering the questions, "what do i want to be remembered for?" intentional -- they are sensitive to the Spirit of God and who He is leading across their paths. most of us are so focused on the tiny tasks of our lives that we miss the bigger and more obvious opportunities that present themselves to us on a daily basis. we should be asking ourselves, "what can i do today to make a difference in the world?" thankful -- they cultivate a habit of thankfulness, the genuine kind. selfless -- they are not the kind of people looking for recognition or a pat on the back. they know that God knows what they have done. generous people don't give looking for something in return. they give without expectations. soon, do these things: *write a vision statement for your life * look for opportunities to be generous *cultivate the habit of thankfulness *give your life away without expectations

it's about time for forgiveness

for the past few weeks, the pastor at my church has been teaching in a series called "it's about time...". each week, he adds, "for..." and whatever the topic is for the week. there have been some really powerful thoughts and ideas in the teachings, so i thought i would make them more widely known. "it's about time for...forgiveness" "if you could lick my heart, it would poison you." (holocaust survivor) we can find release in the freedom that only forgiveness can provide us. forgiveness is not: 1) forgetting 2) excusing 3) smoothing things over 4) instantaneous the only one who can forgive in a single breath is God. 4 stages of forgiveness * suffering -- stop running from what was done to you, acknowledge what was done, experience the pain and suffer. if you have done that, then consider the suffering as a gift. Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings". the larger the hurt, the larger the gift. * surrendering your desire to get even with the person who has wronged or offended you. unforgiveness is a self-imposed torture that comes from the desire for control. revenge will not remove the poison that is in your heart due to hatred and bitterness. * remembering the humanity of your offender. when we do not forgive, we begin to think of the person only in the context of what they have done to offend us. we forget that they are human. we need to rediscover that they are complex, weak, hurt and fragile people just like we are. *reconciling with your offender, which is a process for some which is not possible. if you can, turn back the hands of time, heal wounds and move into the future.

it's about time

for the past few weeks, the pastor at my church has been teaching in a series called "it's about time...". each week, he adds, "for..." and whatever the topic is for the week. there have been some really powerful thoughts and ideas in the teachings, so i thought i would make them more widely known. it's about time for thankfulness... Principles of Thanks-giving 1) believe -- that God exists and the He revealed himself in Jesus Christ. it is terrible to be grateful and to have no one to thanks, to be awed and to have no one to worship (philip yancey). who are you thankful to? in general, to no one in particular? does that feel meaningless? even though we are separated from God, with belief in Christ for eternal life, we have eternal life. 2) inclusive -- give thanks in all circumstances, not just in the circumstances that you like. when you are around a genuinely Biblically thankful person, it is awe-inspiring. there are a lot of good things we can be thankful for, but there are a lot of other things, as well like obstacles, lessons learned the hard way, illnesses. the deepest desire of every human heart is to know God more intimately. this Earth is not what we were created for. Biblically thankful people can see the sovereign hand of God even in the worst times. 3) obedience -- if thankfulness came naturally to any of us, Paul would not have seen it fit to command us to be thankful. we have to overcome the part of us that is normally, instinctively not thankful to God. barriers to thankfulness 1) comparison -- to others who have more than we do 2) busy-ness -- we do not take time to notice what there is to be thankful for. 3) focus -- some of us are constantly focused on our troubles, our struggles, not our blessings. 4) undervaluing -- certain things we should value higher friendships are one of the main things we under-value! 5) ego -- thankfulness requires humility 6) expectations -- we have so much, and we expect that that is what we are entitled to have. don't waste another day in an ungrateful spirit. give thanks for 1) spiritual blessings; 2) physical blessings like your car, your food, your health; 3) lessons learned the hard way; and 4) relational blessings like friends, family and new friends.

"to see what i have lost makes me able to see what i have gained." (michael j. fox) this week, i was blessed to connect with an intelligent, helpful and service-oriented customer service representative at SBC when i called to question a gigantic bill that i had received. after many many minutes on the phone with her, she with her supervisor, and he with his supervisor, the phone call resulted in a $200 credit and a change in my dish network satellite services. i cancelled a premium channels package, and i upgraded instead to the next level of service with regular satellite service. (that has got to be the longest sentence i've ever forced on you to date!) anyway, i don't watch much television (at all -- "my name is earl", "everybody hates chris" and "e.r.") with any frequency, unless, of course, i am avoiding cleaning house. however, there were a few channels that i knew i would really enjoy, based on my interests and predilections, like BRAVO, BBC America, DIY. and a few others. anyway, they were just out of my reach on the next level of service. so, i decided to pay a few extra dollars and get what i really wanted. a valuable lesson. sort of like choosing organic and hormone-free food and dairy products. it really does taste better, and i believe when it tastes better, we eat less of it. because we are satisfied sooner. anyhoo, tonight, i watched, for the first time in a very long time, one of my all-time favorite programs on BRAVO called "Inside The Actors Studio". so very interesting to me. even if i have no real interest in the interviewee. i always learn something fascinating or something that lends a little more understanding to their body of work. aside -- i just made an amazing gumbo. seriously. CJF's secret recipe. okay, back to it. this past week, i read a million little pieces and my friend leonard by james frey. riveting. obviously. i read the first one in less than three days. and the second one, which i was only going to the bookstore to "look at" sucked me right in. i read 115 pages of leonard at Borders, and that night, i read all the way up to page 253 and finished it the next day. then i was kind of mad that i had spent $18.00 and used it up so quickly. but i rolled with it.

kissing

have i written about this lately? no, probably not. i am watching "something's gotta give", and there was just the scene where jack and diane kiss for the first time. so fun. i want a sandwich. in paris. now. instead, i will get a sandwich. at panera. in a few minutes.

Dear Santa Claus

Dear Santa, I am writing for the first time in thirty years to just say, 'hey'. Well, not exactly. People keep bugging me, asking me what I want for Christmas. Other than the standard Miss American contestant rap, "world peace", I have had a difficult time articulating for them. So, I decided to go the old-fashioned route. A Christmas list. So, with a little thought and hopes that you are still checking your mailbox up there, here is what I came up with: 1. World Market Gift Card 2. Borders Bookstore Gift Card 3. iTunes Gift Certificate 4. An Easel and some acrylics 5. A great boyfriend (please do NOT purchase this one!) 6. TJ Maxx Gift Certificate 7. A meaningful James Avery Charm - Silver 8. Guitar lessons. It's just silly that I'm not an expert at this skill as much as i Love it. Well, Santa, how does that sound? Really, most of all, I would like to just have a great time with family and friends, throw a little cocktail party and catch up with everyone. Without life getting in the way. I'd take that in place of all of the above! Love, Me

Hanging with friends way too late!

missing

at dinnertime, i wish i lived in new york. all those choices. from dirt cheap to excessively expensive. perhaps many of the same choices exist here in the dallas area (i'm certain many of them do), but i cannot, on the spur of the moment, walk outside my door and get to any one of them in a matter of minutes by foot. that's the special part. i have a few regular spots, but they are miles and gallons away. what else do i miss? i miss my friends. i miss talking on the phone with them. i miss laughing over coffee or wine and sitting for hours just hanging out, wondering out loud. i know that we have to grow up, but is it absolutely necessary that we separate ourselves so terribly much? would it be out of the question to just plan a little reunion and take three or four days to just enjoy each other and our history together? some get weary of talking about the past, but without it, we would have no present and certainly no future. and i have had some really beautiful life moments just sitting and talking with long-time friends and finding out that we have some of the same questions, triumphs and struggles. why do we abandon each other? certainly, it's not on purpose. it must be some sort of natural progression. if we dip carefully into our past, it does not mean that we are regressing, taking steps backward. we should view it as a way of seasoning our present lives. one of my good friends always talked about what she perceived as the very real danger of intermingling your "groups". your work group with your going-out group. your church group with your life-long friends group. sometimes, it very much does not work. but i think the older we get, the more discerning we become, and if we are honest, there really is not all that much distinction among the members of each group. now, maybe it just has more to do with scheduling and real interests. i am making some friends here now, and i wonder if i am having to convince myself that i am now capable of intermingling all those groups. now i know myself better, and i know who i want to spend my time with -- and it's all the same kind of person. we should not let the written word take away our voices. we need to talk to each other. i need to call you. you need to call me. there's a truth in the voice that can be masked in writing. let's talk.

write. writer. writing. written. wrote.

I am sitting at panera bread company where I just consumed a nice turkey artichoke panini with a bowl of baked potato soup. I was briefly, very, inspired to cook today, but then I swept the house, drank some coffee and tumbled back into the bed to finish ann patchett’s memoir, truth & beauty. Which, I believe, was both truthful and beautiful, as promised. I just caught a whiff of 2000, manhattan beach, California. Isn’t that strange? I wonder what it was? It’s nice to be able to use your laptop in public places with wi-fi internet access, but until the furniture set-up in these places has as much to do with ergonomically sound desk practices as it does with delightful food, it will not serve me very well for very long. The manager just snatched my empty dishes from my table. I don’t think in a necessarily angry or impatient way. Maybe just in a way that indicates he would rather be typing out his thoughts than be surrounded by lots of other people who are afforded that luxury during his shift. This table height is, however, inspiring me to sit up straighter. Perhaps the ergonomic problem lies in my central nervous system and NOT in the design of the restaurant. I was thinking about going to the movie today, but it would be better if I would skip that, go home, be artful and/or domestic and make something happen in either or both of those realms. I wonder if I really am a writer? I mean, I write, therefore I’m a writer? I don’t know if it works that way. Because a lot of people write, and NO one reads what they write? Do you have to be read in order to really be considered a writer? Sort of like that tree falling in the woods thing? Whoever thought that up? It’s fall today. It’s actually the one month anniversary of fall today, but for the first time in a while, it actually feels like fall. Which I love. We are supposed to be studying about fall right now, but alas! It has continued to be 93 degrees at night, and it seems a little nonsensical, fantastical, even cruel to fill these children’s heads with such tomfoolery as are the lessons about “fall” and leaves changing colors and falling involuntarily down. When it comes time to save and name my writing files, I am always shaken by how difficult it is to actually call it one thing that will remind me exactly, precisely what I was writing about that day. In order to do that, I would have to make up a whole new variety of compound words. There are not a lot of women in here typing. They’re all out shopping or resting or cooking or butt-wiping while their significant others are lounging in Italian bakeries sending instant messages to their secret lovers. Wouldn’t that be tragic if it were true? Un very cute man just walked in with his equally precious son. I am going to try to get the Dallas Morning News to do a feature on Words and Voices, centering around the Jeffrey Steele show. He was just named Songwriter of the Year by NSAI a few weeks ago. I wonder if he is nominated for a CMA Award for producing work on the Montgomery Gentry album, which I believe is nominated for Best Album. Wouldn’t that be a hoot? I am about to go over to Borders. I don’t know why. I should actually go to Half Price Books. More in the budget. Actually, going home is more in the budget. Or to the movies. Why don’t more women write in public? Because they’re not used to having a voice? Or they are used to having interactive voices? Hanging out with a girlfriend, chatting? Which is better? Which is more helpful in the end? To discuss something with yourself or to discuss something with a friend? I guess it depends on the honesty of all involved. It’s interesting to me how simple it is to crank out 679 words without even thinking about it. Could I do a Masters Degree? Where? Studying what? Counseling? Biblical Counseling? SMU? DTS? UT? Why can’t Baylor be closer? 180 mile round trip commute is a little excessive, especially in the age of hideously overprices gasoline with no hope in sight for positive change. Lord E. Mama.

hope v. faith

today, while showering, i had an epiphany. i had never really considered how similar and yet very different these two concepts are. why would they be so carefully and succinctly delineated in the Word if they were as similar as i have thought them to be my entire life? how did i come to this? while shaving my legs, of course. and it occurred to me that shaving your legs is an act of hope, while NOT shaving your legs is an act of complete blind faith. hope is still laced with some indelible human need to doubt. faith is involved in nothing of the sort. faith is so heavily fortified against doubt that it might not even know the word exists, much less care about its true meaning. hope is riddled with unquietness, however brightly displayed for the world to see, and it is often an essential thread in the problems that we weave effortlessly for our lives. faith carries, as part of who it is, an unshakeable stability that repels any self-questioning, self-hatred or even self. when we find something (or someone) in which (or whom) to put our faith, we have achieved. and we know it. one of my favorite things in the world is to read beautiful words that render beautiful thoughts. or at least provocations of them. whether the words are surrounded by music or a bookcover, all of us should spend more time with them. how can we formulate our own thoughts if we rely solely upon ourselves and the few words we already have to inspire them? it seems a little arrogant when you read it, does it not? to consider ourselves so complete and so at the peak that we have nothing more to learn or consider or contribute? i am going to start taking pictures again. i am not sure yet of what, but i have to do it. i am also going to start writing on a regular basis rather than just taking notes about what others are saying. virtually none of what i have been writing down has been garbage, because i have been blessed with a fair share of discernment, but i need to give something back. to whom? also not sure of that. i hope there are people who want to hear it. no, i believe there are.

desmemoriada

i had to learn this word last year because it was becoming a part of who i am. forgetful. i had at least three fabulous ideas for writing these past three days, and i foolishly thought that i was actually going to remember them until i had internet access again. and i had the good, old-fashioned journal in the same room with me at the time. it would have been so easy. alas! i did not write the ideas down, and perhaps they are lost forever. hopefully not, because i DO remember thinking at the time, "this is brilliant and poignant and is bound to be interesting to somebody...". i am awfully curious about what this week is going to be like at school. i am terribly uninterested in what i am supposed to be teaching about, so i hope that i can transmit excitement to the kids -- they are bound to like it all. soon, i will have to write about the bizarre encounter that i had with a stranger standing in line at Chipotle last week. all i wanted to do was order my burrito and eat it in peace while reading my new favorite book, "Boundaries In Dating". whilst all the while wondering why there seems to be a boundary BETWEEN me and dating. actually, i know why i am not dating. i am not prepared. and that is just fine. doing something like that while unprepared is setting oneself up for major disaster. and i have done that. and i do not want to do it again. i must go to bed now. i am clean and tidy and quite sleepy. but i will read first. because i love it.

slap ass crazy

why do i do this to myself? why do i wait until the last minute to do whatever it is that i need to do? and why do i almost never sacrifice what i WANT to do to make time for the things that should have priority? because i'm me. and how do some of the most sought-after people seem to keep ascending higher and higher even though almost every cog in their wheel of a posse is rusty? seriously. i had some semi-brilliant thoughts the other day, wrote them down in some random notebook, and i have no idea where the thoughts or the notebook are. not good. someday, someone will find the vast collection of random notebooks, and perhaps they will appropriate my thoughts for their own and be the millionaire i've yet to become. if you are close to me, you are probably thinking, "my aren't we caustic tonight?". truly, it has more to do with the full moon, menses and having my saturday night schedule interrupted. interrupted by a third party, that is. the 2nd party was on the way over and mistakenly took a call from the third party which threw everything off by over an hour. when the 2nd party's reputation for punctuality is not exactly stellar. but we've talked about it, and we are both supposed to be making attempts at changing our ways. spontaneity and tardiness do not mix very well. i went for drinks and happy hour food yesterday afternoon with some compadres from work. 99 cent margaritas and hot chicken wings. (no i was not at hooters). i made the horrible mistake of not completely unpacking myself when i moved here in july. i got reasonably unpacked, and then i got comfortable and extremely busy. now i just have boxes behind every closet door. but i've scheduled a dinner party for friday september 30th, so now i have a goal. happy. then there will not be the burden of the moon, the menses or the movie-night-debacle. if you are a teacher or have small children that you would like to teach at home, you can learn SO much by looking at the Videos on Demand at www.learner.org

words unearthed

if you know me very well, at all, you will find this anecdote both amusing and familiar: while searching for a completely unrelated item yesterday, i came across an old writing workbook. some things seemed worth publishing, so here goes: (i know, it's probably against everything that little, brown stands for, but i used two colons in the preceding sentence...shoot me). sometime in spring 2001: Anxiety about the next stage Breaks my Concentration Diminishes my sense of self Elevates my level of Frustration God is feeling far from my Heart I'm searching for the true Juxtaposition of life and love Keeping it inside Leaves me feeling alone Making everyone else a character Never makes me feel better Often out of sorts Plainly looking for answers Questions look for me Repeat themselves systematically Truth dances alone Understanding it all Veiling itself With my permission Xciting xtreme xccentricities Yearning for yin and yang Zap 5 October 2000 Aggravation Besets my soul Covered up, Defenseless Energy relinquished Featuring my angst, Gravity fails, Heart resigns I'm at a loss... Just set me free Keep me safe. Laughing Means Never Opening Presents to myself. Quietness quells Resentment. Statues feel more Tranquility. Underneath, Vibrance Waits. Xi minus Yin yang equals Zero. (no date, 2000-2001) Self worth Evades me Covers and shades me Reflections don't show me Except for in darkness Take all the memories Sort through them gently Remember Everything From the beginning Understand with my heart Grasp the things worth winning Evoke the best me People determine what Really they see Often they are wrong Given their view of me Repetition and reflection Even seem far from reach Show me the answers Show me to me 9 October 2000 Making new friends Old ones remain Visits abound Interests engage Never a loss Grieving is okay Remember the school bus Every day a new book Always in another world Discovering Innocence Needs Gratified Melancholy Understanding Smart Inside Credibility