You Move Me

Yesterday, I was reminded of this beautiful song that I first loved a long time ago. It has been recorded by several artists, but my favorite (that I know of) to date is Susan Ashton's version. Here are the lyrics (written by Pierce Pettis): This is how it seems to me Life is only therapy Real expensive And no guarantee So I lie here on the couch With my heart hanging out Frozen solid with fear Like a rock in the ground But you move me You give me courage I didn't know I had You move me on I can't go with you And stay where I am So you move me on This is how love was to me I could look and not see Going through the emotions Not knowin' what they mean And it scared me so much That I just wouldn't budge I might have stayed there forever If not for your touch Oh but you move me Out of myself and into the fire You move me Now I'm burning with love And with hope and desire How you move me You go whistling in the dark Making light of it Making light of it And I follow with my heart Laughing all the way Oh 'cause you move me You get me dancing and you make me sing You move me Now I'm taking delight In every little thing How you move me The audio is on my page here, if you would like to hear it for yourself! Today, I am staring down an awesome task. I have to stand guard over a 3rd grade girl named Heaven and a 5th grade girl named Carrie who are taking the TAKS exam. It just occurred to me that it is no accident that "TAKS" has earned just as unsavory a reputation as its diabolical homonym "TAX" here in the great state of Texas. If you do not know, or are lucky, like me, to have not been subjected to life-sucking state-mandated minimum skills exams as an elementary, middle and high school student, "TAKS" stands for "Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills." It also stands for jamming kids' heads full of test-taking skills. Maybe it should stand for "Texas Assassination of Knowledge and Skills" or "The Antichrist of Knowledge and Skills." Well, Christi, how do you really feel? Anyway, I get to sit in the doorway between these two girls who have to be separated from their classmates because they cannot comprehend anything unless they are reading it aloud. So, I will be hearing two students read out loud from two different tests all day long, for as long as they want to take to finish. Yum. The principal says I can bring a book. I wonder if I can read aloud, too? I'm reading a book called "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both." I bet they would stop reading and listen to me, huh? Better choose the silent route. I think it's some security violation for me to have a computer there that is connected to the internet, so I suppose that option is out. We are not even allowing parents or other visitors on our campus today. Crazy huh? Due to testing day security restrictions. I bet the CIA couldn't even worm their way in today. Anyhoo, there is no quiz in my Counseling Theories class this week, so I am feeling like I actually have the right to read a little for pleasure. I have tried to continue that favorite thing whilst committing myself to my studies so that I don't reel out of balance completely, but it's been difficult. I am going to read a novel over spring break. Last night, I negotiated (on behalf of half of my Basic Counseling Skills class) a change in our syllabus. The change resulted in our not having class the week of March 12th (when our spring breaks were for our teaching jobs) OR the week of March 19th (the UNT spring break) and now we get three weeks to do our take-home mid-term exam instead of just one week. Don't know how that happened. That was not one of my requests. The good news is that I will actually feel like I have a spring break now, instead of a few days off during which I had to do a lot of homework. Chris said, "You're such a powerhouse." I laughed. A powerhouse I do not want to be. I just wanted to see if there was a slight possibility of not having to muck up the whole spring break. I kind of want to go somewhere, even if just for a few days. Maybe Nashville, maybe Los Angeles. Was trying to think of places I could go where I would not have to pay a bunch of money for a hotel. Somewhere I could crash in a friend's guest room or even on their floor or sofa bed. I don't want to be out of town the entire time, just a few days of "away-"ness. That's all!

Mental Intercourse

I am supposed to start journaling this week, as a part of my Spiritual Life class. I should have started before now, but I was lazy. My brain has been really muddled this week. I was reading yesterday, and I came across these words in PURSUIT OF GOD by A. W. Tozer: --It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilities of both can be explored. "Mental intercourse" -- I love that. I mean, really LOVE that. It is what I am all about, whatever the topic. Not some arrogant, life-sucking discourse where one person talks for twenty minutes and says nothing. But REAL discussion, dialogue, about something. In person. Not chatting on the internet. Or talking on the phone. Eye to eye. Knee to knee. Expression to expression. Visible and comprehended. It has taken me my entire life to learn that a healthy confrontation is not negative or too scary. It is essential. It is required in order to have movement in a relationship. It is not always fun. And not always efficient. But I know that there are things people must discuss, sometimes, whether they want to at the the moment, or not. Maybe that is why my brain has been muddled. I have a couple of those impending conversations looming on the horizon. I'm nervous, but I have been praying to God for wisdom, words and courage. I believe they are coming. The right time has to be.

Counseling

So, most of you probably know that I have started work on a Masters Degree in Counseling at the University of North Texas. I had my Theories class tonight, which, by the way, is taught by the Chairperson of the Department AND the co-author of the textbook. Intimidating, perhaps? But, I persevere. We had this ridiculously difficult quiz tonight that was so difficult that I only got 4 of 11 questions correct, and half the class did far worse than I did. Thank goodness for the Bell curve. With that, at least I passed. Terribly discouraging. And as I was lamenting that fact, the doctoral student sitting in front of me reassured me, saying that I would have a greater knowledge of Theories than anyone else in any other professor's class and that I should not get discouraged. He said that my professor was without a doubt the most difficult in the department. Fab. So, I tried to feel better. What really bummed me out was that I really enjoyed all the basic tenets of the theory we were being quizzed about -- Adlerian counseling. It's very much about the individual and personal responsibility and having a vested community interest. Tricky questions. Anyhoo, at the end of class, we had to do this experiential activity where we paired up, and one person was the counselor and the other the client. And as the client, I had to come up with six to ten very specific early recollections, as in before the age of six years old. And I had to talk about how I felt in those situations. And then this fellow, my "counselor," who, incidentally, is the doctoral student, sums it up by saying, "So, I'm seeing here that the common thread is that you often felt like you were all alone, that your parents placed you in the care of someone else. And sometimes, bad things happened. I wonder, if based on that information, it would be safe to say that you are hardly ever taken by surprise, and you are a guarded person.?" Um, yeah. Of course, he also wondered if I planned everything out, but I really don't. I explained that I might read ahead about something I am going to do -- I might not be taken by surprise, but I am not a big planner. Just a preparer. There is a difference. I can count on my left hand the number of times someone has actually, truly surprised me, and I will have fingers left over. For my 30th birthday, my friend Cyndi, along with some other family and friends, delivered to my home this precious little antique pink dressing table that I had admired in her presence weeks before, very casually. And she made a mental note and rallied the troops to go in together to buy it and give it to me for my big 3-0. That was great. A boyfriend once surprised me with a gift of a mirror that I had admired on an afternoon walk. Of course, he did that sort of thing several times, and it made me feel very strange, so I stopped openly admiring things. My friend Karen surprised me with a cute little James Avery charm, a motorcycle, and a lovely note about how our friendship was very much like that of Che Guevara and his pal in the film The Motorcycle Diaries. My new boyfriend, Chris, surprised me with a lovely little gift the first time we met -- dark chocolate, a little duck for my keyring and a Borders gift card. He had surreptitiously read my blog and learned that those things were of special interest to me. So kind. Those are great surprises. The kind that let you know people are paying attention. And they are honoring your spirit. Oh, and my Dad surprised me with tickets to see Shaun Cassidy in concert back in the 70's. Do I have to count that? Now, it's on my permanent record. Okay, maybe they number on my left and right hand. But surprising me is difficult to do. I think too much. I have too active an imagination. I truly believe there are more surprises out there for me, though. And I am excited about them.