slap ass crazy

why do i do this to myself? why do i wait until the last minute to do whatever it is that i need to do? and why do i almost never sacrifice what i WANT to do to make time for the things that should have priority? because i'm me. and how do some of the most sought-after people seem to keep ascending higher and higher even though almost every cog in their wheel of a posse is rusty? seriously. i had some semi-brilliant thoughts the other day, wrote them down in some random notebook, and i have no idea where the thoughts or the notebook are. not good. someday, someone will find the vast collection of random notebooks, and perhaps they will appropriate my thoughts for their own and be the millionaire i've yet to become. if you are close to me, you are probably thinking, "my aren't we caustic tonight?". truly, it has more to do with the full moon, menses and having my saturday night schedule interrupted. interrupted by a third party, that is. the 2nd party was on the way over and mistakenly took a call from the third party which threw everything off by over an hour. when the 2nd party's reputation for punctuality is not exactly stellar. but we've talked about it, and we are both supposed to be making attempts at changing our ways. spontaneity and tardiness do not mix very well. i went for drinks and happy hour food yesterday afternoon with some compadres from work. 99 cent margaritas and hot chicken wings. (no i was not at hooters). i made the horrible mistake of not completely unpacking myself when i moved here in july. i got reasonably unpacked, and then i got comfortable and extremely busy. now i just have boxes behind every closet door. but i've scheduled a dinner party for friday september 30th, so now i have a goal. happy. then there will not be the burden of the moon, the menses or the movie-night-debacle. if you are a teacher or have small children that you would like to teach at home, you can learn SO much by looking at the Videos on Demand at www.learner.org

words unearthed

if you know me very well, at all, you will find this anecdote both amusing and familiar: while searching for a completely unrelated item yesterday, i came across an old writing workbook. some things seemed worth publishing, so here goes: (i know, it's probably against everything that little, brown stands for, but i used two colons in the preceding sentence...shoot me). sometime in spring 2001: Anxiety about the next stage Breaks my Concentration Diminishes my sense of self Elevates my level of Frustration God is feeling far from my Heart I'm searching for the true Juxtaposition of life and love Keeping it inside Leaves me feeling alone Making everyone else a character Never makes me feel better Often out of sorts Plainly looking for answers Questions look for me Repeat themselves systematically Truth dances alone Understanding it all Veiling itself With my permission Xciting xtreme xccentricities Yearning for yin and yang Zap 5 October 2000 Aggravation Besets my soul Covered up, Defenseless Energy relinquished Featuring my angst, Gravity fails, Heart resigns I'm at a loss... Just set me free Keep me safe. Laughing Means Never Opening Presents to myself. Quietness quells Resentment. Statues feel more Tranquility. Underneath, Vibrance Waits. Xi minus Yin yang equals Zero. (no date, 2000-2001) Self worth Evades me Covers and shades me Reflections don't show me Except for in darkness Take all the memories Sort through them gently Remember Everything From the beginning Understand with my heart Grasp the things worth winning Evoke the best me People determine what Really they see Often they are wrong Given their view of me Repetition and reflection Even seem far from reach Show me the answers Show me to me 9 October 2000 Making new friends Old ones remain Visits abound Interests engage Never a loss Grieving is okay Remember the school bus Every day a new book Always in another world Discovering Innocence Needs Gratified Melancholy Understanding Smart Inside Credibility

putting it together

only yesterday (friday september 2) did i allow myself to see post-Katrina images, moving or still. and i am pleased with that decision. i placed my name on a volunteer list yesterday to help with the influx of refugees, but i have not received a call.