Viva Italia

I am two days in Italy now, my inner clock is almost completely Euro-calibrated, and I have already eaten more amazing food than any one white girl deserves! I am staying with friends in northern Italy, in a small city called Reggio Emilia, the early childhood education capital of the world (www.reggiochildren.it). Yesterday, my friend Heather escorted me and her son to his school here, and I spent about an hour taking photos and gathering information. Afterward, we returned to the apartment, and her friend Fabio loaned me his rickety bicycle so that we could bike over the administrative offices of Reggio Children across town. Yes, I rode a bike. I told Heather, begged her, actually, that she was welcome to leave me far behind if I embarrassed her or toppled over. Neither happened. We zipped and zoomed down streets, through underground tunnels (with sharp turns might I add) and made it to and fro with no incidents. The visit to the admin offices was fruitful -- I talked with their staff, browsed their library/bookstore and bought a few books to take home and share with my friends and coworkers. (Right now, I am trying to concentrate while a 5-year-old zurbits my neck from behind, so pardon any lapses in grammar or good sense!) Last night, we jumped into the rental car and drove up into the mountains nearby. We saw a ginormous castle (we tried to arrive there, but we could not find the correct road). We visited the winery from which my friend has recently purchased a container of wine to import into the United States, and we accidentally found a roadside restaurant at which I consumed some of the most delectable food of my young life. In the car on the way over, the little boy was explaining to me that he did NOT enjoy eating at the roadside Auto Grills that you encounter on road trips here in Italy simply because they use hydrogenated oils, and food cooked with those is not healthy for his body. Yes, he said "hydrogenated oils". I think about students that I have who come to kindergarten having no idea that they even have something called a "nose" on their face, and I see that proper, interactive and high-expectation parenting makes not just a world, but a galaxy/universe of difference in the intellect and oral language ability of a child. I want to record him speaking (which he now does in both English and Italian) and share it with my students' parents. Sometimes, I think we have a preconceived notion of a ceiling of intelligence for children, and we, not they, limit them. When we are able to look at them as infants or toddlers and see the person we hope for them to become, then we can be of some service to them. Use the better word, the more academic word. Not to create an elitist, but to set a standard. To encourage curiousity, to inspire them to inspire someone else. In doing that for them, we serve them well. We parent them. We tutor them. We mentor them. We cultivate them. We hope. It is SO hot here that we have only left the house for a few hours today to go get lunch, a gelato and then my friend Heather coerced me into going to the neighborhood cafe to meet an Italian man she thought might interest me. He did not. I, as is common with me, did not give him much of a chance, but he also did not offer to engage in conversation with me, even though he had seen that I can understand at least 85% of the Italian that is spoken to me. Oh well. Then Heather and I spent a fabulous time chatting in Italian, English and Spanish with her friends Fabio and Daniele, the sons of the people who own the little Cafe Borsa. It was fun. We explained some nuances and vulgarities within the English language and warded off some great faux pas. We learned of some pre-wedding practical joke traditions that they carry out (should we call them practical jokes instead?) with their friends. They are going to a wedding tomorrow, and one of the tricks that they are going to do is that they have changed 170 Euro into only coinage, and they will tape the coins all in a row between two layers of Scotch tape, and then they will wind it around a tube and give to the couple. Then the couple must spend who knows how long un-fixing the coins in order to get the money to spend. I said that that sounded like a marvelous way to start a savings account for the first child. And when the child reaches preschool age, he/she can set about unsticking the money as an ongoing project. What do you think? I must go now -- to sweat in peace. And to listen to the odd assemblage of people who are setting up microphones and a PA to sing to pre-recorded music on the town square just over our balcony. Ahhhh. Viva Italia.

100 adjectives that describe me

This list was conjured on December 31, 2004. 1. fun 2. clever 3. wise 4. knowledgeable 5. judgmental 6. peaceful 7. Christian 8. nurturing 9. sensitive 10. empathetic 11. sympathetic 12. clingy 13. curious 14. capricious 15. spontaneous 16. wild 17. sexy 18. beautiful 19. caring 20. attentive 21. passionate 22. musical 23. interesting 24. worldly 25. adventuresome 26. plump 27. bright 28. gregarious 29. supportive 30. irresponsible 31. impetuous 32. daring 33. spiteful 34. passive 35. apathetic 36. oblivious 37. reckless 38. deceptive 39. worrisome 40. anxious 41. preoccupied 42. lacking 43. mindful 44. nervous 45. distractible 46. ambiguous 47. talented 48. gifted 49. instinctive 50. hungry 51. thirsting 52. tempting 53. decent 54. respectful 55. intuitive 56. fragmented 57. damaged 58. compassionate 59. simple 60. complex 61. dramatic 62. intimidating 63. feral 64. bilingual 65. heartless 66. limber 67. pale 68. green-eyed 69. red-haired 70. freckled 71. distinctive 72. inspired 73. welcoming 74. useful 75. service-oriented 76. calming 77. influential 78. persuasive 79. thought-provoking 80. complicated 81. dedicated 82. clean 83. rested 84. pretty 85. bright-eyed 86. responsible 87. neurotic 88. people-minded 89. helpful 90. willing 91. weak 92. strong 93. emotional 94. sensible 95. studious 96. soft-hearted 97. reticent 98. cool 99. aloof 100.reflective

On Arrival In Hong Kong

  

quarantine

truly, i have never been this inactive or unproductive in my entire life. i began feeling a big under the weather last weekend, and i called in sick to work on monday (which i very close to never do). i returned to work on tuesday to a roomful of smiling faces. then, after feeling progressively worse over the course of the day, decided to pop by the clinic on my way home. if for no other reason than for confirmation that "it was nothing" and because i was less than three weeks away from an arduous trip halfway 'round the world to China. i sat through the H&P with the physician, who, based on a few of my responses to her questions, decided to do a flu test. she swabbed the inside of my left nostril and left the room. she returned three minutes later, saying "um, yeah, it usually takes ten minutes minimum to get a result. you have the flu. you are on bedrest and quarantined for at least the next five days. i'll prescribe you Tamiflu in case it's not too late for it to be effective in staving off some of the symptoms. have some cough syrup too. whatever that is that is beginning to rumble in your chest will become a problem". great. so, i dropped off the prescriptions, drove next door to Kroger to pick up some groceries and went to rent some movies. five movies. i have not rented five movies total in the past year. i watched four of them the next day. while lying on the mattress that i mustered the strength to drag from my guest room onto the floor of the only room in my house with a television set. i wanted to preserve the sanctity of my actual bedroom. i did not want to be sick in there. and i certainly did not want to invade it with the media. so far, this week, i have watched: HITCH LACKAWANNA BLUES ABOUT A BOY (for the 2nd time) WEDDING CRASHERS ROOTS (the original miniseries from 1977, in its entirety) ALFIE (the not-so-original from 2004, although with all the changes, i guess it is original in its own way) BRIAN WILSON ON TOUR TO HAVE AND TO BE (a French documentary about a one-room schoolhouse) I also bought HUSTLE & FLOW, which is amazing. watch CRASH first, though. so that you will TRULY appreciate Terence Howard's H&F performance. i am building a new web site this week (once I get my new software) so that i can properly chronicle and share the China experience. date of departure is March 6. am very excited and a little nervous -- mainly about the part where i am in charge of my two nieces (ages 13 and almost-13), neither of whom have ever left the continent or flown since they were infants. wow. okay, well i should be sleeping. the lights are out. they told me so. have had many fabulous words and thoughts drift through my mind this week but was too exhausted to write them down. holding out hope that they will find their way to my fingers before too long again.

clowns are people, too!

  what is there to say about this bus ride? we had enjoyed our few hours of escape in san miguel de allende, and we needed a little rest on the 2 hour bus ride back to san felipe. send in the clowns. and our brief peace was shattered. 

yo y clarinete el payaso

   

encouragement

isn't it amazing that one of the kindest, most appreciated gifts that you can give someone is completely free? i have received more than my share of encouragement in the past few months, from people very close to me as well as from people who are close to people who are close to me. and most recently, from a group of esteemed complete strangers. last week, i was told that i have been chosen, one of five, to participate in a very cool Masters' Level Creative Writing program created by The Dallas Writers' Garret (www.writersgarret.org) called Writers' CAMP (Community Authors Mentorship Program. From their brochure, I copy: Writers' CAMP is a non-credit creative writing program developed by The Writers' Garret for writers who want intensive study in poetry, fiction, creative nonfiction or playwriting. CAMP offers a unique combination of structure and flexibility that encourages students to develop the independent work-habits of professional writers. CAMP was developed for people with busy lives, children or full-time work who want to pursue their love of writing but otherwise could not. The two aspects of CAMP, community and mentorships, are key to the program. Because writing can be such an isolated activity, CAMP consciously cultivates a community of writers who balance activity with solitude. At advanced levels, CAMP students are eligible to receive one-on-one mentorships with qualified and professional writers. CAMP differs from traditional university/college creative writing programs by offering a non-credit, mostly self-directed course of study that permits writers to learn at their own pace, while still offering structure and guidance as they grow. CAMP also allows those on fixed incomes to trade community service in exchange for study. CAMP students teach in our Dallas Writers In The Schools (WITS) program, provide office and programming assistance and contribute to The Writers' Garret outreach in a myriad of ways. The mission of The Writers' Garret is to foster the development of writers and audiences by putting them in touch with quality literature, each other and the communities in which they live and write. Cool, huh? The Dallas Writers' Garret also presents a very cool literary series called "The Writers Studio" with local NPR station KERA. Check out the authors who will be interviewed this season here: http://www.writersgarret.org/thews.htm. So, to all of you who have been an amazing encouragement to me in the writing department -- Karyn, Diana, Helena, Jenny, Jenny's Dad Bernie, John, Alicen, Sally, Jessica, The Jeffs, The Scotts, Dad, Mom, Karen, Karyn, Aunt Tom, Connie, Becky, The Lauras, Deborah, Cyndi, Cindy, Leslie, Russ, Rachel, Brownlee, Heather, Luellyn, Dana, Dianna, Ms. Z., Donna, Tasha, Sarah, Mary Kathryn, Dotti, Jackson, Lori (I'm watching the Golden Globe Awards and have clearly been whisked away into some sort of acceptance speech moment...) -- I say 'thank you'. I love your feedback and I am constantly changed by you.

authentic community

as fate would have it, the teaching topic at church this morning was "community". but not just any kind of "community". "authentic community". the best kind. the kind that, like the best kind of love, is filled with people with whom we belong. who genuinely care for us. who hold us accountable. it is the kind of relationship that i long for. long. be-long. i believe that it is that kind of longing that lies within each of us that compels us. to do what, you ask? to seek. to satisfy. the longing. when we do not have that longing fulfilled, we start to disintegrate. dis-integrate. to intentionally not belong. or worse, to belong to the wrong. when all parts of us are not working together, integrated, we fall apart. maybe we do not notice it. or we have trained ourselves to believe that the disintegrated "us" is the normal, the default. but i don't think so. i believe that this crazy world we inhabit works constantly and strategically to convince us that we are alone, that we are an island. so that it, with all of its trappings, all of its services and products and programming, can swoop in and be our salvation. when, ironically, what we need to be saved from is that very same world and all that comes with it. take a week off from television. if you really pay attention and give yourself a true visual media sabbatical, when you turn it back on, you will be offended. not necessarily just morally, but at the very core of your being. it might occur to you to question the box, "you think you know me? who do you think i am?". when at precisely the same time of night, it shows you advertisements for an anti-depressant. or a pill to keep your herpes in check. or plays on your emotions to summon up memories of the music of your youth. it does know you. because you turn it on at the same bat-time and same bat-channel each day. or week. and it has someone on its payroll whose only purpose in life is to figure out who you are. what you use. where you go. what you eat. how you feel. when you were born. it's a sobering thought. identity theft does not just occur on paper. it occurs every time we turn on the television. it takes away our ability to relate to others. pay attention. when you are in a room full of people, how much authentic community is taking place if the television is on. there does not even have to be any volume. it still becomes the focus. it takes away all our sense of true human relationship. it works to make us believe we are alone by making itself the only thing we believe we have in common with others. it boasts that it is reality. while depriving us of our own. of this is not to say that there is not worthwhile programming in television. or that sometimes, it's okay to just sit down and vegetate. but maybe we should keep track of how often we do that. and maybe is there not something else we could do that would improve our quality of life for the long term? taking a walk. listening to a song. reading a great book. calling an old friend. baking something. meandering through the new grocery store down the street. i am writing this piece as much to myself as to anyone else i know. i am in the process of forcing myself out of the house. i no longer give myself the right to whine about my lack of relationship(s) when my own reclusivity is the culprit. last night, i went out with a friend -- our first stop was the urbanmarket in downtown dallas -- a lovely little grocery, florist and cafe. then we went to a great little salvadoran/mexican restaurant called Gloria's on greenville avenue. i forgot how much i loved exploring unfamiliar places like that. and i questioned myself about why i was completely comfortable flying to another country and spending months traveling around alone, yet going out in america alone gave me tiny little heart palpitations. and then i heard a quote from George Gallup, "americans are the loneliest people in the world". oh.

what if no one comes?

my brother and i are giving a little cocktail party tonight. last night, i went to purchase the little finger foods that will be placed strategically throughout my house, and the night before that, i picked up the wine -- some red, some white. my brother is bringing the beer. the playlists are set up on the computer to pipe the music that i love so much throughout the house. but what if no one comes? i have found that in today's world, people are fairly unpredictable. some people have let me know that they are certain they cannot stop by due to prior obligations. but there are several from whom i have not heard. what does that mean? are people afraid of being social? i am, at times, but i have learned to encourage myself to get out of the house. i have been fairly un-social (not anti-social) for the past few years, due simply to not having lived in a target-rich environment. i am enjoying my second cup of espresso roast right now. the 2nd cup with sugar, not the pink stuff. i try to be calorie conscious in ever-so-little ways, but i cannot bring myself to deprive myself of the perfect cup of coffee on a regular basis. i should be making sense of this disorganized house right now, because i think my mom will be arriving shortly, and if i do not have it all together by then, she might feel compelled to help, and i don't want her to feel like she has to work on something every time she comes to see me! although i always appreciate it. so. music. food. beverages. all i need now are the people. more on that aspect of the cocktails and conversation tomorrow!

happy birthday to me!

it's pre-6:00 a.m. on december 14th, and that means that all those years ago, i had just come into the world. 5:33 a.m., to be exact, i believe. wow. and i'm still here. last night, on birthday eve, i was writing the first draft of some goals for the next full year of my little life, and i found that they came with much greater ease than in years past. i was fairly diligent for several years about actually writing down goals at the end of the year, but for the past few years, since i returned to texas, i have not really paid attention to that practice. it just occurred to me last night, and i decided to begin it again. i recently applied to a three-year-long program called Community Authors Mentorship Program (CAMP), which is a boot-camp for writers which involves graduate level writing instruction and workshops. just getting the application done was a feat for me. i almost missed the deadline (Nov 15), and on that day, they posted an extended deadline to Dec 12. i almost missed that one too (do i have a fear of rejection?), and then i was told that if my application package was postmarked by Dec 12, it would still be valid. then, i had no excuse. so i went to the post office -- one of my least favorite things in the world to do, besides putting gas in my car and making cold calls. so, it's out there, along with 12 pages of writing samples and my heart. we shall see. anyway, sharing my writing more is one of my goals for 2006, to try and publish something, however simple or small-time. and i want to take guitar lessons again. and sing in public for someone's enjoyment. i have decided to place a lot of pressure on my right brain. can you tell? today is also the birthday of one of my students -- the most hard-headed and rebellious one. coincidence? i think not. anyway, his mom had asked permission to cook up tons of Mexican food and bring us all lunch today, but she told me on Monday that she could not do that because he had been punished for throwing away a gold necklace and medallion that his uncle had sent him from California. great. he's costing me a fabulous lunch! he's cost me more than that so far this semester, let me tell you. well, i will go now -- i hope you have a fabulous day. i plan to. however humble and low-key it may be. as Frosty the Snowman would say, "Happy Birthday!". i mean "Merry Christmas!".

it's about time for generosity

(each of the "it's about time" installments are the result of my mostly attentive note-taking during recent messages delivered by jeff kinkade at my church). the secret to real joy in life is generosity. not just talking about financial generosity but rather all year-round generosity. not talking about human generosity which is often motivated by a desire for recognition or for a tax break. but rather self-sacrificing, soul-energizing, God-glorifying generosity. "The generous sould will be made rich and he who waters will be watered himself" (Proverbs 11:25). the word used for "generous" in the original translation actually means "to bless". you can bless people in a variety of ways, with your tongue (kind, helpful words), your time, your talents and your treasure. who are you blessing in each of these ways? what happens to people who are genuinely generous? they... prosper -- do not perpetrate the notion of prosperity theology - that you will be wealthy if you give money. you can prosper by being a very joyful person. we live in a selfish, sinful and fallen world. generosity is something that has a boomerang effect. it brings joy to your life that is not characteristic of a fallen world. the measure of a life is not its duration but its donation. -- (peter marshall, former U.S. Senate Chaplain) generous people are... people of vision -- they are sure that God wants to use them for some purpose. take time soon to write a vision statement for your life, in part answering the questions, "what do i want to be remembered for?" intentional -- they are sensitive to the Spirit of God and who He is leading across their paths. most of us are so focused on the tiny tasks of our lives that we miss the bigger and more obvious opportunities that present themselves to us on a daily basis. we should be asking ourselves, "what can i do today to make a difference in the world?" thankful -- they cultivate a habit of thankfulness, the genuine kind. selfless -- they are not the kind of people looking for recognition or a pat on the back. they know that God knows what they have done. generous people don't give looking for something in return. they give without expectations. soon, do these things: *write a vision statement for your life * look for opportunities to be generous *cultivate the habit of thankfulness *give your life away without expectations

it's about time for forgiveness

for the past few weeks, the pastor at my church has been teaching in a series called "it's about time...". each week, he adds, "for..." and whatever the topic is for the week. there have been some really powerful thoughts and ideas in the teachings, so i thought i would make them more widely known. "it's about time for...forgiveness" "if you could lick my heart, it would poison you." (holocaust survivor) we can find release in the freedom that only forgiveness can provide us. forgiveness is not: 1) forgetting 2) excusing 3) smoothing things over 4) instantaneous the only one who can forgive in a single breath is God. 4 stages of forgiveness * suffering -- stop running from what was done to you, acknowledge what was done, experience the pain and suffer. if you have done that, then consider the suffering as a gift. Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings". the larger the hurt, the larger the gift. * surrendering your desire to get even with the person who has wronged or offended you. unforgiveness is a self-imposed torture that comes from the desire for control. revenge will not remove the poison that is in your heart due to hatred and bitterness. * remembering the humanity of your offender. when we do not forgive, we begin to think of the person only in the context of what they have done to offend us. we forget that they are human. we need to rediscover that they are complex, weak, hurt and fragile people just like we are. *reconciling with your offender, which is a process for some which is not possible. if you can, turn back the hands of time, heal wounds and move into the future.

it's about time

for the past few weeks, the pastor at my church has been teaching in a series called "it's about time...". each week, he adds, "for..." and whatever the topic is for the week. there have been some really powerful thoughts and ideas in the teachings, so i thought i would make them more widely known. it's about time for thankfulness... Principles of Thanks-giving 1) believe -- that God exists and the He revealed himself in Jesus Christ. it is terrible to be grateful and to have no one to thanks, to be awed and to have no one to worship (philip yancey). who are you thankful to? in general, to no one in particular? does that feel meaningless? even though we are separated from God, with belief in Christ for eternal life, we have eternal life. 2) inclusive -- give thanks in all circumstances, not just in the circumstances that you like. when you are around a genuinely Biblically thankful person, it is awe-inspiring. there are a lot of good things we can be thankful for, but there are a lot of other things, as well like obstacles, lessons learned the hard way, illnesses. the deepest desire of every human heart is to know God more intimately. this Earth is not what we were created for. Biblically thankful people can see the sovereign hand of God even in the worst times. 3) obedience -- if thankfulness came naturally to any of us, Paul would not have seen it fit to command us to be thankful. we have to overcome the part of us that is normally, instinctively not thankful to God. barriers to thankfulness 1) comparison -- to others who have more than we do 2) busy-ness -- we do not take time to notice what there is to be thankful for. 3) focus -- some of us are constantly focused on our troubles, our struggles, not our blessings. 4) undervaluing -- certain things we should value higher friendships are one of the main things we under-value! 5) ego -- thankfulness requires humility 6) expectations -- we have so much, and we expect that that is what we are entitled to have. don't waste another day in an ungrateful spirit. give thanks for 1) spiritual blessings; 2) physical blessings like your car, your food, your health; 3) lessons learned the hard way; and 4) relational blessings like friends, family and new friends.

"to see what i have lost makes me able to see what i have gained." (michael j. fox) this week, i was blessed to connect with an intelligent, helpful and service-oriented customer service representative at SBC when i called to question a gigantic bill that i had received. after many many minutes on the phone with her, she with her supervisor, and he with his supervisor, the phone call resulted in a $200 credit and a change in my dish network satellite services. i cancelled a premium channels package, and i upgraded instead to the next level of service with regular satellite service. (that has got to be the longest sentence i've ever forced on you to date!) anyway, i don't watch much television (at all -- "my name is earl", "everybody hates chris" and "e.r.") with any frequency, unless, of course, i am avoiding cleaning house. however, there were a few channels that i knew i would really enjoy, based on my interests and predilections, like BRAVO, BBC America, DIY. and a few others. anyway, they were just out of my reach on the next level of service. so, i decided to pay a few extra dollars and get what i really wanted. a valuable lesson. sort of like choosing organic and hormone-free food and dairy products. it really does taste better, and i believe when it tastes better, we eat less of it. because we are satisfied sooner. anyhoo, tonight, i watched, for the first time in a very long time, one of my all-time favorite programs on BRAVO called "Inside The Actors Studio". so very interesting to me. even if i have no real interest in the interviewee. i always learn something fascinating or something that lends a little more understanding to their body of work. aside -- i just made an amazing gumbo. seriously. CJF's secret recipe. okay, back to it. this past week, i read a million little pieces and my friend leonard by james frey. riveting. obviously. i read the first one in less than three days. and the second one, which i was only going to the bookstore to "look at" sucked me right in. i read 115 pages of leonard at Borders, and that night, i read all the way up to page 253 and finished it the next day. then i was kind of mad that i had spent $18.00 and used it up so quickly. but i rolled with it.

kissing

have i written about this lately? no, probably not. i am watching "something's gotta give", and there was just the scene where jack and diane kiss for the first time. so fun. i want a sandwich. in paris. now. instead, i will get a sandwich. at panera. in a few minutes.

Dear Santa Claus

Dear Santa, I am writing for the first time in thirty years to just say, 'hey'. Well, not exactly. People keep bugging me, asking me what I want for Christmas. Other than the standard Miss American contestant rap, "world peace", I have had a difficult time articulating for them. So, I decided to go the old-fashioned route. A Christmas list. So, with a little thought and hopes that you are still checking your mailbox up there, here is what I came up with: 1. World Market Gift Card 2. Borders Bookstore Gift Card 3. iTunes Gift Certificate 4. An Easel and some acrylics 5. A great boyfriend (please do NOT purchase this one!) 6. TJ Maxx Gift Certificate 7. A meaningful James Avery Charm - Silver 8. Guitar lessons. It's just silly that I'm not an expert at this skill as much as i Love it. Well, Santa, how does that sound? Really, most of all, I would like to just have a great time with family and friends, throw a little cocktail party and catch up with everyone. Without life getting in the way. I'd take that in place of all of the above! Love, Me

Hanging with friends way too late!

missing

at dinnertime, i wish i lived in new york. all those choices. from dirt cheap to excessively expensive. perhaps many of the same choices exist here in the dallas area (i'm certain many of them do), but i cannot, on the spur of the moment, walk outside my door and get to any one of them in a matter of minutes by foot. that's the special part. i have a few regular spots, but they are miles and gallons away. what else do i miss? i miss my friends. i miss talking on the phone with them. i miss laughing over coffee or wine and sitting for hours just hanging out, wondering out loud. i know that we have to grow up, but is it absolutely necessary that we separate ourselves so terribly much? would it be out of the question to just plan a little reunion and take three or four days to just enjoy each other and our history together? some get weary of talking about the past, but without it, we would have no present and certainly no future. and i have had some really beautiful life moments just sitting and talking with long-time friends and finding out that we have some of the same questions, triumphs and struggles. why do we abandon each other? certainly, it's not on purpose. it must be some sort of natural progression. if we dip carefully into our past, it does not mean that we are regressing, taking steps backward. we should view it as a way of seasoning our present lives. one of my good friends always talked about what she perceived as the very real danger of intermingling your "groups". your work group with your going-out group. your church group with your life-long friends group. sometimes, it very much does not work. but i think the older we get, the more discerning we become, and if we are honest, there really is not all that much distinction among the members of each group. now, maybe it just has more to do with scheduling and real interests. i am making some friends here now, and i wonder if i am having to convince myself that i am now capable of intermingling all those groups. now i know myself better, and i know who i want to spend my time with -- and it's all the same kind of person. we should not let the written word take away our voices. we need to talk to each other. i need to call you. you need to call me. there's a truth in the voice that can be masked in writing. let's talk.

write. writer. writing. written. wrote.

I am sitting at panera bread company where I just consumed a nice turkey artichoke panini with a bowl of baked potato soup. I was briefly, very, inspired to cook today, but then I swept the house, drank some coffee and tumbled back into the bed to finish ann patchett’s memoir, truth & beauty. Which, I believe, was both truthful and beautiful, as promised. I just caught a whiff of 2000, manhattan beach, California. Isn’t that strange? I wonder what it was? It’s nice to be able to use your laptop in public places with wi-fi internet access, but until the furniture set-up in these places has as much to do with ergonomically sound desk practices as it does with delightful food, it will not serve me very well for very long. The manager just snatched my empty dishes from my table. I don’t think in a necessarily angry or impatient way. Maybe just in a way that indicates he would rather be typing out his thoughts than be surrounded by lots of other people who are afforded that luxury during his shift. This table height is, however, inspiring me to sit up straighter. Perhaps the ergonomic problem lies in my central nervous system and NOT in the design of the restaurant. I was thinking about going to the movie today, but it would be better if I would skip that, go home, be artful and/or domestic and make something happen in either or both of those realms. I wonder if I really am a writer? I mean, I write, therefore I’m a writer? I don’t know if it works that way. Because a lot of people write, and NO one reads what they write? Do you have to be read in order to really be considered a writer? Sort of like that tree falling in the woods thing? Whoever thought that up? It’s fall today. It’s actually the one month anniversary of fall today, but for the first time in a while, it actually feels like fall. Which I love. We are supposed to be studying about fall right now, but alas! It has continued to be 93 degrees at night, and it seems a little nonsensical, fantastical, even cruel to fill these children’s heads with such tomfoolery as are the lessons about “fall” and leaves changing colors and falling involuntarily down. When it comes time to save and name my writing files, I am always shaken by how difficult it is to actually call it one thing that will remind me exactly, precisely what I was writing about that day. In order to do that, I would have to make up a whole new variety of compound words. There are not a lot of women in here typing. They’re all out shopping or resting or cooking or butt-wiping while their significant others are lounging in Italian bakeries sending instant messages to their secret lovers. Wouldn’t that be tragic if it were true? Un very cute man just walked in with his equally precious son. I am going to try to get the Dallas Morning News to do a feature on Words and Voices, centering around the Jeffrey Steele show. He was just named Songwriter of the Year by NSAI a few weeks ago. I wonder if he is nominated for a CMA Award for producing work on the Montgomery Gentry album, which I believe is nominated for Best Album. Wouldn’t that be a hoot? I am about to go over to Borders. I don’t know why. I should actually go to Half Price Books. More in the budget. Actually, going home is more in the budget. Or to the movies. Why don’t more women write in public? Because they’re not used to having a voice? Or they are used to having interactive voices? Hanging out with a girlfriend, chatting? Which is better? Which is more helpful in the end? To discuss something with yourself or to discuss something with a friend? I guess it depends on the honesty of all involved. It’s interesting to me how simple it is to crank out 679 words without even thinking about it. Could I do a Masters Degree? Where? Studying what? Counseling? Biblical Counseling? SMU? DTS? UT? Why can’t Baylor be closer? 180 mile round trip commute is a little excessive, especially in the age of hideously overprices gasoline with no hope in sight for positive change. Lord E. Mama.

hope v. faith

today, while showering, i had an epiphany. i had never really considered how similar and yet very different these two concepts are. why would they be so carefully and succinctly delineated in the Word if they were as similar as i have thought them to be my entire life? how did i come to this? while shaving my legs, of course. and it occurred to me that shaving your legs is an act of hope, while NOT shaving your legs is an act of complete blind faith. hope is still laced with some indelible human need to doubt. faith is involved in nothing of the sort. faith is so heavily fortified against doubt that it might not even know the word exists, much less care about its true meaning. hope is riddled with unquietness, however brightly displayed for the world to see, and it is often an essential thread in the problems that we weave effortlessly for our lives. faith carries, as part of who it is, an unshakeable stability that repels any self-questioning, self-hatred or even self. when we find something (or someone) in which (or whom) to put our faith, we have achieved. and we know it. one of my favorite things in the world is to read beautiful words that render beautiful thoughts. or at least provocations of them. whether the words are surrounded by music or a bookcover, all of us should spend more time with them. how can we formulate our own thoughts if we rely solely upon ourselves and the few words we already have to inspire them? it seems a little arrogant when you read it, does it not? to consider ourselves so complete and so at the peak that we have nothing more to learn or consider or contribute? i am going to start taking pictures again. i am not sure yet of what, but i have to do it. i am also going to start writing on a regular basis rather than just taking notes about what others are saying. virtually none of what i have been writing down has been garbage, because i have been blessed with a fair share of discernment, but i need to give something back. to whom? also not sure of that. i hope there are people who want to hear it. no, i believe there are.

desmemoriada

i had to learn this word last year because it was becoming a part of who i am. forgetful. i had at least three fabulous ideas for writing these past three days, and i foolishly thought that i was actually going to remember them until i had internet access again. and i had the good, old-fashioned journal in the same room with me at the time. it would have been so easy. alas! i did not write the ideas down, and perhaps they are lost forever. hopefully not, because i DO remember thinking at the time, "this is brilliant and poignant and is bound to be interesting to somebody...". i am awfully curious about what this week is going to be like at school. i am terribly uninterested in what i am supposed to be teaching about, so i hope that i can transmit excitement to the kids -- they are bound to like it all. soon, i will have to write about the bizarre encounter that i had with a stranger standing in line at Chipotle last week. all i wanted to do was order my burrito and eat it in peace while reading my new favorite book, "Boundaries In Dating". whilst all the while wondering why there seems to be a boundary BETWEEN me and dating. actually, i know why i am not dating. i am not prepared. and that is just fine. doing something like that while unprepared is setting oneself up for major disaster. and i have done that. and i do not want to do it again. i must go to bed now. i am clean and tidy and quite sleepy. but i will read first. because i love it.

slap ass crazy

why do i do this to myself? why do i wait until the last minute to do whatever it is that i need to do? and why do i almost never sacrifice what i WANT to do to make time for the things that should have priority? because i'm me. and how do some of the most sought-after people seem to keep ascending higher and higher even though almost every cog in their wheel of a posse is rusty? seriously. i had some semi-brilliant thoughts the other day, wrote them down in some random notebook, and i have no idea where the thoughts or the notebook are. not good. someday, someone will find the vast collection of random notebooks, and perhaps they will appropriate my thoughts for their own and be the millionaire i've yet to become. if you are close to me, you are probably thinking, "my aren't we caustic tonight?". truly, it has more to do with the full moon, menses and having my saturday night schedule interrupted. interrupted by a third party, that is. the 2nd party was on the way over and mistakenly took a call from the third party which threw everything off by over an hour. when the 2nd party's reputation for punctuality is not exactly stellar. but we've talked about it, and we are both supposed to be making attempts at changing our ways. spontaneity and tardiness do not mix very well. i went for drinks and happy hour food yesterday afternoon with some compadres from work. 99 cent margaritas and hot chicken wings. (no i was not at hooters). i made the horrible mistake of not completely unpacking myself when i moved here in july. i got reasonably unpacked, and then i got comfortable and extremely busy. now i just have boxes behind every closet door. but i've scheduled a dinner party for friday september 30th, so now i have a goal. happy. then there will not be the burden of the moon, the menses or the movie-night-debacle. if you are a teacher or have small children that you would like to teach at home, you can learn SO much by looking at the Videos on Demand at www.learner.org

words unearthed

if you know me very well, at all, you will find this anecdote both amusing and familiar: while searching for a completely unrelated item yesterday, i came across an old writing workbook. some things seemed worth publishing, so here goes: (i know, it's probably against everything that little, brown stands for, but i used two colons in the preceding sentence...shoot me). sometime in spring 2001: Anxiety about the next stage Breaks my Concentration Diminishes my sense of self Elevates my level of Frustration God is feeling far from my Heart I'm searching for the true Juxtaposition of life and love Keeping it inside Leaves me feeling alone Making everyone else a character Never makes me feel better Often out of sorts Plainly looking for answers Questions look for me Repeat themselves systematically Truth dances alone Understanding it all Veiling itself With my permission Xciting xtreme xccentricities Yearning for yin and yang Zap 5 October 2000 Aggravation Besets my soul Covered up, Defenseless Energy relinquished Featuring my angst, Gravity fails, Heart resigns I'm at a loss... Just set me free Keep me safe. Laughing Means Never Opening Presents to myself. Quietness quells Resentment. Statues feel more Tranquility. Underneath, Vibrance Waits. Xi minus Yin yang equals Zero. (no date, 2000-2001) Self worth Evades me Covers and shades me Reflections don't show me Except for in darkness Take all the memories Sort through them gently Remember Everything From the beginning Understand with my heart Grasp the things worth winning Evoke the best me People determine what Really they see Often they are wrong Given their view of me Repetition and reflection Even seem far from reach Show me the answers Show me to me 9 October 2000 Making new friends Old ones remain Visits abound Interests engage Never a loss Grieving is okay Remember the school bus Every day a new book Always in another world Discovering Innocence Needs Gratified Melancholy Understanding Smart Inside Credibility

putting it together

only yesterday (friday september 2) did i allow myself to see post-Katrina images, moving or still. and i am pleased with that decision. i placed my name on a volunteer list yesterday to help with the influx of refugees, but i have not received a call.

fear is the opposite of faith

so, today, i continued my ongoing quest for a church to become a part of here in the area, and upon leaving the second service i attended today, i called a friend and lamented, "i hate trying to find a new place to go to church -- it feels like dating, and i hate dating!". she graciously and verbally understood me, and we talked about how we both wished that i could just wiggle my nose and find the perfect fit here. something odd that i am sensing in some of the places i am visiting is almost an apologetic tone from the pastor/teachers when they ask or direct the people to look into the Scriptures. it's Wednesday now, and i must continue to consider this topic. i have much more to say, but i am so tired that i cannot organize my little thoughts. more later.

a really bizarre collage of summer photos. 2005.

the all-time greatest small group. www.cypressvalley.org

the fam.

me and my two KK�s.

just a few fun pics!

bliss

i may or may not have any idea about how to specifically teach a kindergarten class, but i do have quite a bit of knowledge of how to love my students. today, i started my official training with the staff of my new school, and i have ridden a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the day that i would not trade for the entire world. while my previous few years of teaching have taken me on rollercoaster rides of varying degrees of terror, i have yet to experience such a genuine and collective expression of true empathy and understanding of the children we will welcome into the microcosm of our classrooms one week from today.

Super Tyrone

just got back from a nice little jaunt to nashville, music city, u.s.a. had planned to spend some time with my dad and step mom, but they were overwhelmed with some work they were in town doing. i don't really know how to put in words all of the silly adventures i had while there for less than 72 hours, but for starters, i will hook you up to look at this band i swindled my way in to see on friday night. and that is all i will tell you about friday night. http://www.supert.com/ my friend jeff played a show on saturday night that was outstanding and big fun. of course, i was still tired from aforementioned friday night, but we had a good time anyway. will write more, with all the frightening details later, but right now, even though the sun is still not completely below the horizon, i am signing off. back to work in the morning!

not-so-sleeping beauty

12:47 a.m., and i am starting my new job in less than 8 hours. "hi, i'm the new kindergarten teacher. what? big black circles? um, no i am not using drugs. but thanks for asking." i should have done a giant 3 mile walk tonight to wear myself down. instead, i unpacked more boxes and was reminded of how i was one book case short when i broke down the last apartment to move here. ack. maybe if i turn on the fan, it will make me sleepy. maybe if this giant knot were not pulsating over top of my right shoulder blade. it's an anxiety know. i know. about what? about the $7 U.S. Dollars i am about to have to last me almost an entire month. that should be interesting. no, really, i love beans and rice. daily. so, what shall i encounter on my first day? lots of fresh faces. teachers who have never been in charge of their own classroom. i did discover the other day that my immediate neighbor in my new school is one of said brand new teachers, so at least there will be one person nearby who knows less than i do, as a matter of fact. and i think i will be the only bilingual teacher on my grade level. yikes. oh, well, at least there will be no one to compare me with on a regular basis. at least proximity-wise. am chatting with pal online, and i hate to say this, but i should be sleeping.

diarios de motocicleta, parte dos

so i just watched motorcycle diaries for the third time in six months or so. this time, i just bought it. it really makes me want to ride on the back of a bike with someone i enjoy all about south america. or even mexico. although i think more south would be a little more lush and new to me. how do i make that happen?

June 11th, 2005 with pal Jeff Steele after his performance at The Weisman Center Presents...Words and Voices, Marshall, TX, USA.

fantasías

i'm getting more and more in touch with the starving artist phenomenon. although, clearly, i am not starving, i am working in a limited funds situation, at least for the next couple of months. today, i went out to pick up the saturday dallas morning news from my leafy green yard, and i brought it in to read over a few cups of coffee. and i was completely overwhelmed. sort of the same feeling you get when you go off to college for the first time, and you realize you are surrounded by the top 5% of every graduating class in america. no more big fish little pond, if that had previously applied to your life place. there are millions of multi-cultural opportunities. even in choosing what grocery store to shop in. millions of recipes to try. millions of art installations. i read the whole thing, front to back, and i sat stunned. i have been living for the past three years in a situation very much unlike this one, and i had to stop and pray and ask God to help me focus on being who He wants me to be. and to make wise choices about what to do with my time and where to seek my place. but i still have been nursing a few new fantasies. thus the title of this entry. first, in the paper yesterday, i learned that there is a new IKEA store opening in nearby Frisco, Texas. (all gift cards and donations appreciated!) that's big fun, because it is simple and affordable and will likely be unapproachable until after i start making my real new salary! which made me start thinking about this funny girl i met in nashville once who declared, "if i'm not married by the time i'm 35, i'm just going to start registering for stuff i want to see if people will give it to me out of pity." too funny. second, i am listening to some music this morning, and i'm really being encouraged to re-start guitar lessons which i took in nashville years ago from a fabulous teacher named rob jackson. he was taken aback at how quickly i took to the guitar, and how i had hands large enough to make bar chords, "most girls can't make a good bar chord. you're good." and why am i sitting here in this house with fine acoustics not practicing the guitar? because i'm a chicken, i guess. so i took that fantasy one step further and said, "well, if i really hone that skill, then i can take voice lessons to remind me how to sing properly and find that voice i know is in there and maybe actually sing in front of people." sheryl crow was well into her thirties before anybody really cared who she was, right? i don't have any need to be famous, i've seen how that milks the joy out of too many talented people. but, i think it would be fun to sit around a camp fire with friends and have a valid contribution every now and then. which led me to ponder, "what are the first songs i would learn how to sing and play?" should fantasy find its way to fruition? 1. broken things / julie miller 2. you don't even know who i am / gretchen peters 3. delta dawn / alex harvey & larry collins 4. echoes of love / kim richey & tim krekel 5. mil besos / emma elena valdelamar 6. you take me for granted / leona williams 7. from the ashes / austin cunningham & hilary lindsey 8. less like scars / sara groves 9. if you want me to / ginny owens 10. i would be stronger than that / gary burr we'll see. that's all i have for now. time to continue my self-pedicure.

Annette is the lovely and VERY interesting lady with an omelette shop in the French Quarter in New Orleans. Go eat there. It's by the Chateau Sonesta on Iberville.

packing boxes is not my idea of fun

i'm sure it appeals to someone. somewhere. why that person is not my soulmate and here supervising this godforsaken move preparation is beyond me. i am writing to distract myself from the fact that i have packed nothing since returning home from church tonight AND from the other fact that i really just want to go through the drive-through at taco bell. i will not go to taco bell at 10:44 pm. i will not go to taco bell at 10:44 pm. i will not go to taco bell at 10:44 pm. my friend karen came to visit me friday night, and we went to get a drink at the local bar. it was fairly low-key upon our arrival, but then the crowd picked up a little. and my extremely overt admirer walked in. ack. i guess if there is only one nice bar in town, you have to understand that you are going to continue to run in to the same people over and over. and smoke-free is worth it to me. to sum it all up, i will transcribe four text messages said admirer sent to my cell phone (no, i did NOT give him my number. it is published on promotional materials for a music series that i manage, so don't judge me!): (oh and all messages are transcribed exactly as written as much as it hurts me to not edit the grammar): 1) your beautiful 2) your even more beautiful than mere words can say 3) U R! Believe in your beauty i do 4) Damn I wish I could speak Spanish (why? so you could be annoying in 2 languages?) the longest conversation i have had with this man, mind you, consisted primarily of discussion of spiritual matters and the life of Christ. so i really don't believe i've encouraged him in any other realm. i refuse to become the girl who is just rude to people -- how would i ever know if i was throwing away an opportunity to effect an eternal change in someone's life? yoiks. i'm concentrating really hard trying not to let the fact that my move is next week overwhelm me. or the fact that a silly little thing called money is going to be more than a minor obstacle for the next three months. it will work out. where, oh where, is the easy money fairy when you need her? speaking of, the natural vanilla bean ice cream fairy dropped by last week and spread a lot of joy. and hips. see http://www.bluebell.com/icecream_flavors.htm for one of the greatest reasons in the world to live in texas. although i hear it's making its way 'round the nation. and i just learned that for the low, low price of $89 (US Dollars), you can ship 4 half-gallons anywhere in the U.S. good lord, would someone (other than, say, delta burke or kirstie alley) really do that? that is more than $22 per half gallon for ice cream? isn't crack cheaper? that's two printer ink cartridges! that's a barrel-and-a-half of oil. more importantly, that's about seven tubes of MAC lipstick, not including tax. and if you take the lipstick route (www.maccosmetics.com), your arse won't grow. the taco bell urge has almost dissipated. i've packed almost my entire kitchen. i think i left out 3 boxes of pasta and 2 bags of microwave popcorn. highly unmotivating, even for a midnight snack. i'm rambling about horribly unimportant things. see below if you are looking for poetry, philosophical musings or real reactions to real life! i'm going to sleep now. no tacos. no packing. no worries.

large print edition

today i found the font i will use to make my change of address cards. and yes, i will send them via the u.s. postal service. for old time's sake. perhaps you just felt the earth move under your feet. i packed a box. with towels and bed linens. not all of either but enough to call it a portion of the mission accomplished. what attracts us to each other? sameness? or opposite-ness? the talents we have or the talents we covet? certainly, it's to be understood, don't you think? why can it be so blinding? is it that everyone does not have some passion? or is it that some embrace their passions and let their passions embrace them back? and then they are unavoidable and transparent. why are so many uncomfortable with their passion? from whence comes that kind of oppression? it seems to me that what happens more often than not is that one sees another consumed by their passion and rather than excavating their own, they decide to resent the former. we should all make it our mission to show the world the joy of following your heart. and love them for it. maybe it's the temptation of the all-or-nothing way of life. responsibility has its place. but all the responsibility in the world in the absence of loving your life sort of renders the fulfillment of the obligations lifeless. it's a few hours past when i started this writing now, and my mind has clearly jumped the track. i'll ruminate on the topic a little more and be back when i'm all here.

holding hands

does anyone else but me truly believe that holding hands is one of the single most intimate acts that two people can engage in together? i truly do. i think it speaks volumes. louder than sex, louder than kissing on the mouth. why? i don't know. perhaps it has something to do with the innocence of it. or the promise of what is to come. sometimes, it fulfills the need. maybe it's to do with the sameness of our hands. or the mirroring effect. the fit. somewhere along the way, the way i hold hands evolved into something very special. that is where my hands go. some hands fit better together than others.

Taco-Thon 2005, San Felipe, Guanajuato. Did you know there are NO calories or fat in tacos consumed at 11:30 pm while in Mexico?

Tradition Vs. Betrayal

(click on the title above to see a great photo gallery of the May 2005 mission trip!) my words have been locked up inside of me for over two months now, and i have decided to let them come out and play. since i last wrote, i have resigned one job, secured a new one, given notice on an apartment, found a house in my new city, heard some incredible music, been to mexico, heard more incredible music and had some very peaceful days and nights. in that order. the title here? i was recently in mexico on a mission trip and as seems the pattern, i find myself very focused when visiting there, whatever the mission. this time, it was actually a mission. a mission trip with my church (www.cypressvalley.org) in a little town in Guanajuato, called San Felipe. about the size of my own hometown and also famous for hand-turned pottery. when i was in school in mexico last summer, i was enrolled in a mexican folklore course taught by a highly educated man named sergio. it was in that class that i first became aware of just how deeply steeped in mysticism and superstition the mexican version of catholicism is. i was thinking about those lectures, and it occurred to me a startling, yet not coincidental, distinction: in the Spanish language, there is only one letter's difference for the words meaning "tradition" and "betrayal". the letter D. for "Dios" perhaps? i might be giving away a Masters' thesis topic here, but it just struck me, especially there where the tradition of the rituals and religion associated with the people's upbringing has a grip on their souls that only God can loosen. i was visiting with a little girl there who had said that she wanted to be baptized, and we were having a little Q&A. one of my Q's was, "if your mom tells you that you are not to leave the house and go outside to play, but you decide to do it anyway and disobey her, what will happen?", and she responded with real conviction, "i'll go to hell". chilling. let me back up. on Saturday May 28th, we left east Texas on a bus decorated all about its exterior with a rainbow. we might have known that we were faced with more adventure than usual when it took us two-and-a-half hours to go the first twenty-three miles. that bottle-neck shook loose, and we went another fifty or sixty miles and encountered another. then we (a 33 passenger bus and a giant truck pulling a trailer) made these extremely cowboy moves that resulted in 180º turns on the interstate and led us to the alternate route. that was the bulk of the first adventure. stop to eat in waco. my turn to drive. the truck pulling the trailer. as fate would have it, the first part was smooth sailing but shortly thereafter, it began to rain. the torrential kind. and i could barely see the road. and anyone who knows me well knows that there are very few things on this planet that put fear in my heart. driving in the rain while being responsible for other human lives is certainly at the top of the list. we survived. on to the border. we had a spanish speaker on the bus, and i was the designated spanish speaker on the truck. we pull into the customs area/border crossing, and we go through one checkpoint. then we get to the next. david (who over the course of this account will be dubbed "king david") gets out to talk to their agent. i, having freshly applied my new favorite lip gloss (MAC "wonderstruck"), jump down and go to see if david needs any help communicating. i see that he has the keys poised to unlock the padlock on the trailer and swings the doors open wide. i talk with the agent in spanish a little, he asks me what we have loaded on the trailer and what we are going to use it for, and begins verbally considering if he is going to make us unload everything so that he can confirm. and then ...he was wonderstruck. and he motions to david to shut and lock the trailer and proceed to the next step. we get back in the truck and dave says, "whatever you do, do not lose that lip gloss!". we pull in and park our vehicle and wait for the bus carrying the remainder of our 22-person party. we see them in the distance, and we see them being detained. finally they come to us, and they have been given their tourist visa applications. i am handed one that i filled out the previous december, and i am to find out if i can still use that one or if i have to fill out a new one. we go inside, and i walk up to the counter where the silver-haired man is sitting. i hand him my december visa, and he begins to scold me harshly, telling me i should NOT still have possession of this document, that i am in violation of the law, that my visa expired seven days after it was issued and that i will be slapped with a fine. una multa. a strong one. una muy fuerte. fabulous. fabuloso. so i turn around, while trying to show him respect so he can finish screaming at me, to try and tell my three other friends who are returning with me from the december trip to rip up and/or hide their old applications. one multa fuerte is enough. no need for 20% of the team to be punished. so we are shuttled through the visa application process. i just remembered in this instance that we were not asked for our passports. just our money. generally, we are asked to turn in our passports with the visa application so that they can put a face or at least an original legal document with each visa applicant's form. i don't remember doing that this time. unlike december, however, i do remember our being charged $22 U.S. per person for entry into the country of Mexico. on to securing the vehicle permission stickers. the vehicle permission stickers. you should recognize that this process is begun in confusion, for even though they have their service windows identified with giant numbers -- 1, 2, 3, 4 -- they are placed in reverse order -- 4, 3, 2, 1. somewhat unsettling, but not as much so as the process of working your way through them. we secure the truck permission first. not without incident but certainly quicker that what you are about to read. then the bus permission. first of all, every vehicle that is going into mexico has to have this sticker. if you make it in without it, congratulations, but your vehicle will be seized, no questions asked, if you do not have it just below and to the left side of your rearview mirror. 4, 3, 2, 1. once you get to 3, you begin considering a sigh of relief. and then they send you to the copy stand to get a copy of one of your pieces of paper. then you go back to the front of the line, which, even though it's policy, undoubtedly enrages all the hordes of people who have been standing in line forever. the agent's cell phone rings. she answers. no she does not. oh yes, she does. and she giggles. and she turns to the side. and chats. at this point, i'm going on fifteen hours without a shower, which is not terribly uncommon considering how busy and ambitious we Americans are. but, i am fifteen hours without a shower, and i am guaranteed at least another twelve hours in the same condition. she sees the impatience on my face, perhaps. or maybe she finished her conversation. she puts her phone down and tries to get us through window 3 so we can go on to 4, and there is a problem. she asks someone to show us where our bus is. he goes out and scribbles a few numbers on a piece of paper. he returns. she tries again. shakes her head. back to 1. go make copies. scribble down numbers. back to 2. make some more copies. what about this guy? where's the bus you brought here in december. oh yeah, all the air conditioning stopped working, so we brought another one. you cannot get another vehicle permission because you did not cancel that one in december. can anyone else here take out the permission in their name? perhaps. wonderstruck. wonderstruck. wonderstruck. there's no place like home. there's no place like home. wonderstruck apparently has no same sex powers unless you use it expressly for that purpose. we run to get someone else whose name is at least on the permission letter from the church. here he is. so, thankfully, we use the written language barrier to convince the agent(s. yes, agents. there are multiple puberty-pushing officials now on our case, tossing their heads back and laughing smugly from time to time). so now we have copies of all the wrong documents because we have changed permission-getters. back to copy station. back to 1. back to 2. go to the head of the line. ...to be continued the long and the short of it is...wait, there was no short of it. we were detained for six-and-a-half hours trying to unravel the mystery. after our third or fourth pass through the numbered windows, someone comes from behind the counter to peruse our documents then says, as if surprised herself, "oh. this is a bus. yes, it's the same bus you have sent three different agents outside to confirm is a bus. we do not issue vehicle permissions for buses in this office. are you kidding me? since when? about two months ago. the law changed. we did not get the memo. where do we get said bus permission now then? at the federal palace, about six blocks from here. six blocks from here. walking. because we do not have permission to drive our vehicle. walking through the bullet-riddled, drug-war-torn streets of nuevo laredo, mexico. gringos. (http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/international/AP-Mexico-Lawless-City.html?). but the federal palace does not open until 8am. it's 5:30 in the morning. so we sit around. most everyone boards the bus, and i remain inside with the ones who are involved in the vehicle near-transactions. i climb the stairs to go to the restroom, introduce myself to a guard, and i ask him where is the federal palace and how do we get there from here. he explains it to me. then says he would be happy to be our guide to getting there when his shift ends. in an hour-and-a-half. Jorge. so, we wander over to the in-house restaurant -- it's like they know they are going to keep you waiting, so they provide sustenance -- and decide on plain coffee. outside to get fresh air and drink it. time passes. jorge's free. so, david, russ, martin and i take off walking with a complete Mexican stranger in the general direction of the federal palace. i chat with jorge. he asks me if i'm single. and which one of these gentlemen is my father. perhaps he's going to ask for my hand right there in the street. mi vida loca. we arrive at the federal palace, which is not very palacial at all. and it's also not very open. why? it's Sunday. it does not open until 8am on Monday. great. however, in a fit of extreme hopefulness, we circle the building twice. and look at the closed for business sign. twice. we confirm with a local policeman that it is a fruitless mission. at least for today. we walk back through the war-torn streets of nuevo laredo at sun-up, and we thank jorge for his time and efforts and re-enter the customs building. new strategy? wait for a shift change. another hour. we avoid the scary old man from the first phase of the experience, and i find another gentlemen who looks far gentler. he dispenses a little hope and notes that he will have to consult his supervisor who apparently does not punch the same clock as he does and who is likely to arrive in another quarter-hour. so we sit. and loiter. i check back in. another member of personnel asks to go inspect the bus. we are given written, special dispensation to take out a vehicle permission for the bus, and we are sent back to the head of the line. window 1. we get as far as 3, and one of the same agents looks at us quizzically, as if to say, haven't i seen you here before? haven't i denied you entry once today already?. she takes all of our papers, marches us back down to the customs window and asks what the special note is all about. and says that it does not really clarify that she can give us the sticker. her writes a little more. stamps it again. and she seems satisfied. back to 1. a boy comes up and begins hand-writing a vehicle permission form, takes our payment and hands me the form through the little 3-inch opening in the glass. i notice that he has not signed it. which undoubtedly renders it worthless. i point it out. he laughs. as if his oversight would not have cost us our bus and however many thousands of dollars it would have taken to get 22 people back the the United States without it. he signs it, returns it. i go to the bathroom, and we roll out of there. at about 10am. 22 hours without a shower. only 12 more to go. i never knew how much i enjoyed being clean. on we go, pretty much without incident. that's the story of the point of entry. the rest will have to wait.

A true moment. A nice summary of many many years of friendship and late-night talks at the Waffle Houses of Music City.

Here's a glimpse of the strange duck-age that we encountered at Nick and Rudy's for a wine tasting. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Waffle Houses and Wine Tastings

that is the best way i can sum up my spring break trip to nashville. in fact, i could actually use it to sum up my entire former career and life in nashville. last saturday, i set out in the VW to drive halfway 'round the world to tennessee (mainly the part between memphis and nashville feels like half way round the world), to visit some old friends and a little bit of family. i did not really have any agenda for the trip other than that i wanted to eat some great food, visit and hear some live music. i did all of those things. a few of them a little too much! the first night, i hung out with my sister until she had to tuck in to prepare for work the next morning, then i went to visit another friend who got home around 10:30 FROM work. we had a lovely visit, listened to music, drank a little red wine and talked about boys. and, you know, no matter how much you grow up and how much the boys grow up, the 'talking about boys' always feels a little bit the same. it's not a criticism...just a reality. so, you would suppose that, after all these years, when our conversations about boys continue to focus on the same issues, sometimes in the same order, we girls would be advanced enough to learn from our past experiences. yet, speaking for myself, it does not appear to be so. is it the proverbial hopeless romanticism? is it hopefulness period? an X-chromosome-related belief that this time it will be right? i suppose relationships are one of the most constantly changing yet staying the same aspects of our lives. they follow patterns whether we recognize them or not. and in saying that, i wonder, when i am teaching my little three-year-old students to recognize AB patterns (red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow), am i giving them a jump start on figuring out their future relationships? is that why i have not fully figured it out yet? because i did not go to pre-k or kindergarten, and i had to become aware of AB patterns all on my own? possible. of course, now, as a grown woman, i know that only God knows what pattern every single thing and every single person will follow. darn free will. anyway, we had a nice time -- digging around in thoughts -- my own and those of others -- is one of my favorite pastimes. the next day, i went to one of my favorite coffee shops with my friend and had breakfast and then returned home to rest up for a night of live music. we went to hear a great songwriter and musician names maia sharp. check out her music at http://www.maiasharp.com. one of my friends was supposed to be playing with her, but she did not show. which made me sad because i love her and her music, too. then, for a great historical moment, we drove out southeast of town to meet our friends jeff and rick at the waffle house for rick's farewell to nashville waffle-fest. he did not even know i was in town, so it was a special surprise. we sat with them for quite a while, eating too much and visiting with the very colorful staff of the Bell Road waffle house. Kay and Rick were the servers, I think. (I know I'll be corrected if I'm wrong here). a few tidbits from that interactions. first, you must know that quite unusually, they were cleaning up and preparing to shut down the griddle for a super-Ajax-ing due to inspectors coming by to check out the place later that day. we remarked to kay that she shared jeff's last name, and she quickly retorted, "it was my husband's last. i'd already bought the house before we got the divorce." then, kay the server said re: her phone number too, "I was gonna change my number, but it took me forever to remember this one. hell it's easier to get rid of him." then, in a special culinary moment, she said, regarding the mess they were cleaning up over there on the griddle, "all that grease that comes out of that kitchen, y'all will never want to eat at the waffle house again." at that point, i realized that if i did not whip out my pen and paper, those moments would be tragically lost forever. monday. what did i do on monday? here is where i lose track. oh, i went to eat thai food with my sister, and we both agreed that, no matter how spice you like your food, always go with mild or medium at the Royal Thai. then we went to walk our friend's dog, where i discovered that i am the only person on planet earth whose photo is not stuck to her refrigerator, so i left her a nasty note scribbled on a paper towel that i stuck in her door. then, we went to visit with a friend at Sony, and we caught up with him and his family and their goings-on. he let us pilfer his CD giveaway boxes, so we are knee deep in new music, which was nice for the drive home. he's a good friend and a good man -- one of those people you are truly glad you met, however that happened all those years ago. then we met a few other friends for dinner at an Irish pub. fish and chips there. and a nice pinot grigio. we learned, by accident, that bars and restaurants sell out of their limited wine selections by the end of the weekend, first of the week. because on sunday and monday, our first choices had been all drunk up by people who got there earlier than we did. so we second-choiced our way through a bottle of Jacob's Creek something-or-other on Monday that cost us almost twice as much. it might be a marketing ploy, come to think of it. "yes, ma'am, we are all sold out of the $14 wine. all we have is the $26 wine." sure. so that was fun, and we spent a few hours laughing and reminiscing with them. always a delight. some of the best folks i've ever known. on to tuesday. honestly, i have no idea. except for in the evening, my cousin came over for dinner, and my sister cooked a lovely casserole of chicken spaghetti. on wednesday, i lunched with my friend john over an Indian food buffet. we talked about music and film, as we do when we get together. it's rare to find someone whose taste you trust in those two areas. am i wrong? he allowed me into the "prize room" where i got a few new CDs for the road. then it rained. then i returned to karyn's place, invited helena over, and we talked for a long time about finding peace in this world and learning to be faithful even though it does not come naturally in a world so full of pain and questions. we shared some stories, cried a little and lounged around watching the film being julia with annette bening and jeremy irons which was really quite good. i think i had to stop watching during the last few minutes to get ready to go to a wine tasting. which was a bit of a farce, but we had some nice cheese and were repeated accosted by older gentlemen of various ethnic backgrounds. enter paul, the russian. too weird to even write about, i've decided. needless to say, we were the cutest girls there, the least worn-out, anyway, which drew us a lot of attention. that we did not necessarily want. we almost came to the decision that we might have been the only women there who were not "on the clock". yikes. after that, we went to an old haunt, "the sportsman's grille" for a catfish basket and cheeseburger. both delightful. talked more and shared more stories. thursday, i spent with one of my favorite families on planet earth. they have a new baby i'd yet to meet, and we spent half a day catching up and talking about all things. my friend, the mama, has started a new business making fabulous skin products for other mamas and their babies. you can buy some at www.babybearshop.com. truly special. that night, i went with some friends to eat cajun food and then to a songwriter's night/benefit at the wildhorse saloon. four of the most talented ever: craig wiseman, rivers rutherford, leslie satcher and bob dipiero. it should have been splendid, but sound problems and a yappy hostess kind of ruined the entire effect. and i left more bothered than uplifted. however, afterward, we went to get some hot Krispy Kremes and had a hilarious moment in the drive-through with the octogenarian on the microphone, and it all seemed worth it. i packed up my things and prepared to head westward on friday morning. which i did. and it was a nice and sunny drive with lots of new music (some of what i have liked so far are miranda lambert, trent willmon, butch walker, bobby taylor, john legend...more on all that later).

spring break 2005 1,348 miles into the journey. somewhere on I-40 west. arkansas, i think. 

mile one thousand three hundred forty eight

am home from the journey. but am too tired and disorganized to really write at the moment. so i am uploading a photo instead. more later.

spring break, my style

so i decided yesterday to just kind of go ahead and drive to nashville to see my sister rather than fight the stand-by lists at the airport. and it was a beautiful day today, and i listened to music rather loudly. i did have to stop in germantown for a frappucino and a new bonnie raitt live cd. well, an old bonnie raitt live cd. but new to me. enjoyable. i am getting tired now, but i am going to visit with a friend in a few minutes when she gets home from work at the airport. i already washed my face and braided my hairs. might even put on pajamas before going over there. that's the kind of girl i am.

more than anything in this world...

in THIS world, that is. it is 12:17 am, and i have been asleep briefly tonight once already, but now i am fully awake. i am three days away from having ten days off of work, and i am still not sure what i am going to do with the time. i was introducing a friend to www.sidestep.com last night, a wonderful travel price comparison web site, and i checked a fare to mexico city for this coming saturday, and much to my surprise, i found that it only cost $265 from houston. only $390 from little shreveport, louisiana. oh, how i would love to go. but there is the dilemma of where to stay. a friend offered me his family's place, but they are engulfed in the passing of his grandmother, so it no longer feels like the right thing to do to take him up on his offer. but how nice it would be. i would be able to experience Holy Week first-hand, something i have always wanted to do, being a Spanish speaker and teacher of the language and all. i have been overwhelmed lately by the realization that so many of us here on earth work so hard and expend so much energy trying to manage our lives and our problems and those of others that we seldom stop to admit that we are simply not in charge of it all. we (and i include myself very definitely in this subject pronoun) make ourselves crazy with the trying to figure it all out and the wondering if we did the right thing. we are focusing on decision-making in our small group study in the student ministry at church, and every week, i feel like i am the most attentive student. or at least that i should be. and i am the discussion leader! it is amazing the way that God works to present us with opportunities to exercise what he has taught us. i am praying about my work and some very special friends and family members who are in need of direction as well. i am praying about what is my next professional move. graduate school? moving to Mexico? moving to a bigger city? getting involved in parent education? sitting still? moving on? see, here i am doing it! but the good news is that i am allowing it all to come to me gradually. i have no set deadlines, and i have no intention of barreling through to the wrong decision like i did about this time last year. i ran into a friend last weekend who was really stressed about her work, and we stood in the grocery store sharing stories, only to find out that we both have the same issues and some almost-identical personal concerns. why don't we talk about it more often? why don't we share our weaknesses? and our successes? do friends not have the right to burden their friends with their problems anymore? isn't that what we are here for? to support? and to listen? and to advise? i think so. i hope that i am that kind of friend. i love having that kind of friend. sometimes, i do not even need anything more than a little quality time with a trusted friend. it is amazing how helpful just a few hours can be for me. or for someone else if i salvage the time to spend with them. it is truly ironic to me that in a world where we can make phone calls for free over the internet to communist countries, where we can type instant messages with someone halfway around the world and we can have instantaneous communication in various forms with friends and loved ones and even strangers, that we seem to be becoming more and more reclusive in our actual one-on-one human face-to-face contact. why is that? is the distance a comfort to us? a buffer of sorts that keeps us from getting too emotionally close to someone while being physically close to them as well? are we becoming far too comfortable with our parallel lives? comforted by sharing the extremely personal in an even more extremely impersonal manner? i believe it may be true.

experience, regrets, mistakes, stepping stones

they all seen so interwoven, but i believe that they are distinct. i do not believe in regrets. i believe in acknowledging mistakes and using them as stepping stones to find your way to experience, which is what should truly be our jumping off point to start each new day. i struggle regularly with how to share my experiences in such a way as to humbly recount them in hopes that someone else can see them for what they are: stepping stones, part of a worldwide pattern. human nature is human nature. even if someone is ten years older than i am, i can look to their life's experiences and somehow match some of my own to theirs, and if i am attentive enough, i can look at their path and that of my own -- or the choices i am about to have to make -- and i will undoubtedly be able to recognize a pattern. something that occurs almost exactly as it has occurred in millions of people's lives before me. and after me. how do we share those experiences without sounding like a know-it-all? without sounding like someone's mother or father? why are we all so stubborn that we cannot recognize ourselves voluntarily putting ourselves into the same pattern that led us to such deep sadness and trouble once or many times before? when i can answer this question, i will be truly wise. and hopefully, that wisdom will give me the words and the ability to help others to seek for themselves.

???????????????????????

like a falling feather i drift without direction yet somehow, i always land in a moment of perfection while i sit here with my eyes closed tight i consider myself so blessed i wish i could make the world understand this place of silent rest my eyes are open now but still i do not look where i am told to find the way that place, that gift, that nook one thing i can say i've learned is how to give it up to not concern myself with what i cannot change i have to leave it be it's much too big for me i hand it over to my true lover and sing myself to sleep.

alphapoemorama, part deux

Arrogance Brings forth Confusion Determining Everyone else's Fortune Grieves me Harangues me Intrigues me Jostles my mind Kindred spirits Leave me Mystified Needing Openness Placation Quivers Reminds me of Stupid Things I've Unlearned Vigilance Wasted by eXcavating Your presence in my Zoo of memories.

alphapoemarama

After 12 hours Becoming what I loathe Could it hurt anymore? Determined to overcome Excedrin is my friend Finish me off Give my daughter the shot! Help me to my bed Is that all there is? Just help me sleep Keep me Lingering Meanwhile Nudge me Onward and upward Praying like there's no tomorrow Questions answered Reminding myself of You Studying Teaching Understanding Wondering eXamining You Zealously.

Entertaining Angels

would it not be amazing to discover that, unbeknownst to you, you had entertained angels at some point in your life? or that you had been an angel to someone else? wow. i have decided to open my mind up, officially, to the possibility of a move and/or career modification. and my official position is that if someone wants to hire me and needs an answer from me when i am not prepared to give them one, then i will tell them to ask their question of someone else and to make their decision notwithstanding my response. so there. i have been having these weird episodes of what feels like arrested circulation and weird fluctuations in body temperature. i'm too young for the change, right? i certainly like to think so. tonight was our last night in the study of hebrews. what an amazing journey. i need to go back and read all my notes and just camp on them for days. so it stays fresh. i bought the new lee ann womack CD, and it's amazing. it's called there's more where that came from and everything about it is designed like an old country record from the sixties/seventies. photography, songs and graphic design. i love it. i called a friend of mine the other night while he was playing on the Grammys to check in and, as an aside, to give him permission to tell jamie foxx that i, indeed, would go out with him, if he asked. some people can do everything. i must go now as i am about to fall out of my chair with fatigue. have had bad headaches too. will check back in with the doctor tomorrow.

Sometimes, You Just Know

So, I have been down with fever and achiness since Wednesday last, and today, as I was singing in church, it occurred to me that God had taken me out of work for those few days to prevent me from acting rashly in a very uncomfortable work situation. I truly believe that. God weakened my body to strengthen my spirit. And my resolve. The previous week and a half had been very stressful because I had been required to leave my students and my co-teacher with a less-than-humane group of people posing as educators and caregivers. And upon my return, I tragically realized that in that short four days, they had retrained themselves, using their basic instincts, to respond only to people who scream at, threaten or otherwise dominate them into submission, at whatever the cost. And I was allowing myself to be retrained by them to become one of those malicious attackers. I just saw one of my little students at the local Mexican food dive, and she shyly asked me, "Maestra, when are you going to be able to come with us?", and my heart melted. They know the difference. Thanks to God for delivering us all from the horrible aftershock of their experience a few weeks ago. Tomorrow, we return, refreshed, revived and rededicated.

100 Things I Want In A Partner

created on 14 november 2004 1. a Christian 2. strong spiritual leader 3. positivity 4. financially sound 5. a lover of books 6. a great lover 7. adventuresomeness 8. likes to communicate 9. inspires me 10. challenges me 11. environmentally conscious 12. understanding 13. enjoys travel 14. loves people 15. faithfulness 16. supportive 17. thoughtful 18. enjoys writing 19. encourager 20. peaceful 21. assertive 22. admirable 23. strong values 24. God-given 25. kindness 26. healthy 27. not sarcastic 28. healthy perspective 29. sense of humour 30. enjoys films 31. good listener 32. not an addict 33. full of joy 34. likes touch 35. likes coffee shops 36. stillness 37. provocative 38. communicator 39. musical talent 40. a great writer 41. strong hands 42. great kisser 43. knowing eyes 44. pretty teeth 45. great hair 46. loves my family 47. interested in me 48. likes to drive 49. speaks spanish 50. (edit) curious 51. willing to counsel 52. not a hoarder 53. spiritually adept 54. knows me 55. defender of honour 56. great father 57. good with tools 58. passionate 59. forward-thinking 60. not sports-obsessed 61. good leader 62. nurturing 63. tolerates me 64. empathetic 65. sympathetic 66. learns from mistakes 67. understands loyalty 68. sensitive 69. enjoys great wine 70. loves to create 71. enjoys cooking 72. seeks new opportunities 73. respects my space 74. respects my privacy 75. respects my alone time 76. not jealous 77. trusting 78. complimentary 79. complementary 80. public displays of affection okay 81. sensible 82. well-balanced 83. energetic 84. awe-inspiring 85. loves God 86. full of good ideas 87. sense of urgency 88. directness 89. focused 90. literate 91. aware 92. mission-minded 93. emotionally intelligent 94. connected 95. expressive of feelings 96. open-hearted 97. sense of self 98. good self-esteem 99. confidence 100. in love with me

100 Things That Turn Me On

so, recently, i purchased a book that is supposed to inspire people like me who like to journal to greater heights of creativity. one of the chapters is called "lists of 100". and it suggests thinking of a category and then making a list of 100 things that belong in that category. quickly. here is the first one i did, dated 6 november 2004: (in no particular order, except for the order they came to my mind) 1. a great song 2. joy 3. beautifully written books 4. intelligence 5. nice wine 6. beautiful art 7. pens 8. God's love for me 9. a sexy man 10. talent 11. humility 12. perseverance 13. initiative 14. surprises 15. beautiful weather 16. the smell of a fireplace 17. solitude 18. traveling 19. learning 20. laughter 21. a singing voice 22. flirting 23. (edit) 24. massage 25. sweating 26. new makeup 27. lipstick 28. good coffee 29. sunsets 30. oceans 31. great food 32. martinis 33. passion 34. compassion 35. softness 36. xanax 37. salt and pepper hair 38. (edit) 39. (edit) 40. singing 41. writing 42. glancing 43. france 44. studying 45. knowing 46. new people 47. helping 48. serving 49. cooking 50. hot teas 51. my eyes 52. french kissing 53. chili 54. numbers 55. teaching 56. anticipating 57. courtship 58. forgiveness 59. spontaneity 60. pretty curtains 61. painting 62. writing haiku 63. smart kids 64. kindness 65. my eyebrows 66. hot lipstick 67. sheryl crow 68. memories 69. mexico 70. speaking spanish 71. learning italian 72. a fan blowing on me 73. skin on skin 74. hand on my back 75. enrique 76. memories of philippe 77. my sense of self 78. learning about the Bible 79. verbal sparring 80. power 81. being well 82. recognizing talent 83. soft sheets 84. good pillows 85. holding hands 86. walking 87. yoga 88. listening 89. sweet potato pie 90. helping parents 91. new pens 92. cohesiveness 93. real butter 94. great coffee 95. a day in the sun 96. being warm 97. scarves 98. hats 99. nice shoes 100. love