Published

it's so not a big deal, but it's almost as impressive as the first time. when i was twelve years old, i was a huge professional wrestling fan. back in the day, when the flashiest thing you saw might have been some factory-manufactured fringe Singer-sewn onto a pair of Lycra dance pants in the way of costuming or "character" development. anyway, it was fun for me, and one night, the infamous members of the Texas wrestling family, the von Erichs, came to wrestle a series of matches at the civic center in my humble hometown. i attended, along with my equally (perhaps more) fanatic friend Beth, and we had a large time. afterward, i was so impressed and inspired by their presence in my midst, that i wrote a heartfelt review of the evening's events. well, lo! and behold, the next month, there was my review published in one of the biggest national wrestling fan magazines that existed. but it was my first brush with sexism. in their magazine, i was no longer of the female gender. they truncated my otherwise feminine and girly name to its very masculine and un-dainty masculine counterpart. why? because how could a girl have such insight into such a grotesque and hideous sport? who knows? either way. tonight, i was leaving a jimmy buffett-themed party at a local bar, and i picked up a local magazine on my way out. and there were two of my favorite haiku published in its pages. random. you just never know. perhaps someone will be changed for the better upon reading them. perhaps they will line a bird cage. one cannot know or even guess. but it was fun to see it. upon second reading, i have realized that they typo'ed out one letter at the beginning of one of the haiku which renders the entire poem senseless, so here they both are in their entirety: eyes the color of coal that warms me in the fall lighting a spark ...passed along the way... going to meet the future said, 'don't i know you?'

Yet Another First

so, here it is, 2005. and i thought i was never even going to make it to 1998 all my life. i have just returned from a CVBC (www.cypressvalley.org) mission trip to San Felipe, Guanajuato, Mexico, where i was part of a 27-member team sent by our church to further some work on the church that we have planted there. we took three crews -- construction, women's study/crafts and children's study/crafts. all three did very impressive work. in the church building, door facings were constructed and installed, holes were patched, roof work was done, lighting was installed, heaters were installed, bathroom improvements were made, storage shelves were built. i'm sure there were more improvements made -- i just wish more people could have seen before and after photos! the children and women's groups worked on arts/crafts projects to use to decorate the church. the first two nights we were there, we showed (on a BIG screen) The Passion Of The Christ (with Spanish subtitles, of course) to two full houses (40 +) people, church members and other community members. on tuesday, after working for four hours to get the audio/visual kinks worked out, we ended up having to go and buy an additional DVD player from a San Felipe electronics vendor. jokingly, while preparing to pay for the player (the one we had brought was useless to us as we had somehow arrived without the remote control to operate it), i said, "...unless of course, you just want to loan it to us...". and Javier, the shop owner said, "you just need it for today and tomorrow?". i said, "yes." and he responded, "well, just buy it, and when you return it tomorrow, i will give you your money back." okay. so we did. and when we went back the next day to return it, his shop was already closed. so, feeling like he would consider me a liar, we got it back to him the next afternoon, and he was not in the shop. javier, his son, said, "are you returning a DVD player?" and i said, "yes. we came here last night, but you were closed." he asked me if i had the receipt, and i told him that one of my friends had it and that i had forgotten to get it from him. he went to the desk, withdrew 950 pesos and gave it to me. every peso we had paid him. no questions asked. amazing. only in mexico. i left javier (the dad) a nice note thanking him and blessing him for having done us the favor, and we went about our evening. on the second night, Russ asked me if i would be interested in going to León the next day to donate blood on behalf of one of the church members, Zacarías, who is scheduled to have a surgery in the next couple of months. i said, "sure." so, at 4:15 the next morning, i got up, showered (in very cold water) and jumped in the truck with six other team members, Zacarías and his wife Éster, for the 1.5 hour trip to León. when we finally found the hospital and checked in at 7:15 am, we learned that they accept donors on a lottery style basis, and they were accepting only thirty for that morning, all of which spaces had already been ticketed/claimed. so, Éster went to talk to the doctor, letting him know that she had seven potential donors from the United States who were leaving the country the next day. he issued ten more tickets, and we began the complicated process of eligibility to donate blood. in Mexico, apparently, (or at least in this place), someone who is going to have a surgery is required to rustle up twenty blood donors to give blood on his/her behalf before having surgery and twenty blood donors to give blood on his/her behalf after the surgery is completed to replenish the blood bank. the process was tiresome and lengthy. first, we had to wait for our number to be called. one at a time, we went up to a reception window to give personal information -- address, date of birth, occupation, phone number, level of education. then, we were called again to give a blood sample for typing purposes. then we sat back down in the waiting area. then, we were called into another room to have our blood pressure checked, our measurements taken and our weight checked. then we sat back down in the waiting room. then we were called, one by one, into a small private room with a doctor who asked us the series of very personal questions and, in my case anyway, spent time reviewing with me the results of my blood tests. he marveled at my good health and set about telling me what every count, percentage and number meant. all the while comparing me to the average Mexican woman. he complimented my apparently healthy diet and general good health. that was a freebie. then, we sat back down. then, if we were not disqualified by any of our answers or results, we waited until they called our number (coincidentally, mine was thirty-seven, the age i just turned last month) and went to lie down on the elevated blue lounge chairs to be punctured by what looked like a 900 gauge needle (aka garden hose) to begin the extraction of the precious fluid. earlier, in the waiting room, a rather tall, dark and handsome doctor type walked by and caught the eye(s) of my friend Sally and me. while i was lying prone on the vampire chairs, said tall, dark and handsome doctor walked over and spoke to me, in English and then Spanish after i answered him in his native language. then, my pal David shouts from his corner, "hey, C*****i, is that the doctor that you wanted to hit on you?". eeeeeeeeeeek. i looked at him and said, "hello, he's bilingual!" and David and Chris and Casey proceeded to laugh out loud. all i could say was, "great, now they won't get any blood because it's all in my face!" fabulous. the doc who did the sticking was pretty good with a needle, and he was a little too excited about my "venas muy buenas" (very good veins). i thought one time that he was going to try and suck it out of both arms at once. anyway, apparently i broke some record for quickest filling of a blood bag (seven minutes), and i lay there to recuperate for about 20 minutes -- snacking on the bag of goodies they gave me. a three-piece-of-white-bread ham and cheese sandwich, a tangerine, a boiled egg, and some guava nectar (there they've got the American Red Cross beat). actually, i only delved into the sandwich because i had not eaten since about 10 pm the night before -- we were told we had to fast (total -- nothing to eat or drink) for at least eight hours before donating. which made no sense to any of us since we would have NO strength to donate. of course, upon arrival, and after reading and translating the twenty-four rules posted on the wall of the waiting area, we realized that we could have had water, juice, fruit and/or vegetables. with big holes in our arms and food on our minds, we got our proof of donation and proceeded to the truck to set about finding lunch. i had seen a Pollo Feliz on the way into town, and we were determined to find it before heading back to San Felipe. we found it, and read the sign "Only To Go". so we decided to have a tailgate party. we ordered a couple of chickens, several quesadillas and got chips and hot sauce and sodas to lay out on the tailgate of David's truck. as we were wolfing down the (amazingly tasty) food, David said, "Happy Chicken, 60 pesos, Quesadillas, 12 pesos, Tailgating with friends on the street in Mexico, Priceless." and we all laughed. perhaps the best quesadillas i've ever put in my mouth. the ladies at the stand told us they make 10,000 corn tortillas daily. daily. two women. in a room the size of your smallest bedroom. it was great. we got back to san felipe and checked in at the church. we wrapped up some details and prepared for the Lord's Supper that evening. at the last minutes, we realized we had forgotten to buy the bread. oops. so we hopped in the truck and set about navigating the maze of one way streets hoping to find a bakery still open. we finally found one and had to settle for a sweetened sesame bread (to date we have found no Biblical prohibition of said bread type) to use for the service. it went off mostly without a hitch, and we had a very dynamic dialogue during the service. after packing up and setting the alarm for 3:15 am, i went to bed. as consolation for not being able to make the fun side trip to san miguel de allende before returning home, my roommate and i were granted special permission to sleep in the makeshift rolling bedroom otherwise designated for drivers. the full size mattress in the camper of the truck bed. heavily sedated, i snuggled in for a nice five hour nap which lasted until the first bathroom stop somewhere north of san felipe. then, i crawled into the cab of the truck. where i made the rest of the trip, sitting in the back seat. i made a few new friends, as has been the blessed pattern, and i was reminded of the power that God has and is not afraid to use. several new believers came to faith during the trip, and i believe that several of our lives were changed in ways we could never have expected. and the toilets flushed, as designed, every time. happy new year, and i hope you are healthy happy and spiritually sound!

Also from landscape art installation in Dec 2005, Sonoma, CA. www.cornerstonegardens.com

Photos of landscape art installations in Sonoma, California, www.cornerstonegardens.com

Travel and Friends

It's Christmas day, and I feel like I have been celebrating for six weeks already. Our family is a little more disjointed than ever, and that requires a lot of maneuvering of schedules and locations to create all the pieces so that the puzzle can at least fit together figuratively. As soon as the bell rang on Friday December 17th, I quickly worked together with my teaching assistant to tidy up the room to some degree, and I dashed to the car to drive to the Dallas airport. That day, I flew to Oakland, where some friends of mine picked me up and drove me to their place in the North Bay area of San Francisco. They live in Tiburón, a quaint little peninsula. I used to work with them in Nashville, and I cared for their little boy, who is a total delight, thanks to some well-intentioned training and caregiving on the part of his parents. We spent several days catching up, visiting, eating great food and drinking great wine. We went to Sonoma one day to look around and pulled over to enjoy a beautiful garden art installation, we visited one of the oldest missions in California, ate a fabulous lunch at The Girl And The Fig just off the city square, and then we took the scenic route home through the Napa Valley. Just lovely. After my California visit, I then accepted an invitation to visit a friend I met this summer in Mexico, at his home in Chicago. There were more travel adventures involved in that leg of the trip, but he waited patiently for me and my bag, which arrived even later. We ran errands together on Tuesday, then finished the day off with a great Italian meal at Francesco's Fiore and by tasting some wine at a great wine store called The Cork on our way home. We spent hours talking and enjoying our wine, listening to music. I won a sizeable bet over a disagreement about U2's recent musical releases. I was reminded how much I love Sarah McLachlan and how you should never continue the conversation past the point of exhaustion, no matter how interesting you both are to each other. I have almost finished packing up for my departure to Mexico tomorrow. I am truly tired, and I hope that I am able to get some rest on the bus and hopefully not have to drive too terribly much. Driving is not my friend. Sleeping is. I hope each of you have had a blessed holiday, and I pledge to keep in better touch with all my friends, from all over the world, and from every part of my past in 2005. Love, Me.

Hello, She's Dolly

So I just left a fun little office party hosted by a friend of mine. And I was delivered two tickets to see Dolly Parton tomorrow night in Dallas. Could I be more excited? Probably not. Only if I was going to be able to meet her -- because I think she's so talented and precious. My friend emailed me to tell me that she has set aside my favorite lip gloss (the last of its near-extinct kind) for pickup whenever I can get to it. I had a fabulous dinner-snack and some pretty good wine, and there is a new episode of ER on tonight. I started a new and potentially mindless novel last night which has already made me laugh out loud. Yes, it's "chick-lit". Sadly, I learned today that one of my favourite students might be moving to Houston, which makes me very sad for him and for me, too. I was hoping to spend the rest of this year AND all of next year growing that little boy into a fabulous student. I now know how it is that parents get run over by their precious offspring. He kills me. Today, after I put him into his car, he grabbed my hand and kissed it as I was leaving. I cannot stand it! Am debating whether I really NEED to go wash clothes before going out of town tomorrow or if a sink-wash of key underwear might suffice.

my heart

is fairly accessible to someone who really desires to get to know it. i make it available, honestly and sincerely, and the people who are blessed enough to have the gift of wisdom have historically found their way inside.

Fear Of Being Typical

is the worst fear of all. I slept all the way to 8:54 am today. i woke up, made some Ibarra hot chocolate, some oat bread toast and commenced to making a collage. then i made another. then i decorated the front of a new journal. now i am on my way to volunteer at a 5K run my friend Sally organized to raise money for the school/orphanage she worked at in Mombasa, Kenya. i might have to call this a perfect Saturday.

After The Nightly News...

So, tonight, for the first time since school started, I watched prime-time television (other than Will & Grace and ER, that is. Those are my only regular must-sees. And I stayed up extremely late for me. I was watching television clear through to eleven pee ehm. Apparently, the only people the networks expect to be watching television between 10 and 11 at night are people with bad credit and/or erectile dysfunction. thankfully, at this point, neither situation applies directly to me. I suppose at some point in life I could be a second party to at least one of those crises, but for now, I'm in the clear. it's 11:11 pm, and i love that. sometimes, i capitalize, sometimes, i do not. someone who barely knows me suggested the other day that i write children's books. hmmm. maybe there's something to that...and i can write them in english AND spanish. cha-ching?

Was That A Joke?

Today, at work, a co-worker actually said the following words to me: "Well, I'm just happy because I finally got my baby to be interested in TV." And went on about how until recently, her son would only like to look at books and play. Of course, that meant "that's how I've been able to keep from buying video games for all this time". He only ever wanted to play with his mother. Until she worked really hard to get him interested in sitting down in front of the television. Here, honey, I'll give you your first rock of crack for free. It will be okay. Unbelievable.

J..J...Just Like Dawgs

last evening, i traded stories with other teacher friends, and we were laughing our lips off -- it is absolutely unbelievable some of the things that parents obviously discuss within their childrens' earshot or what they allow them to see in the media. i was told recently that the american pediatric association's official position is that no child under the age of three years old should be allowed to watch television. at all. there goes the baby einstein theory. the truth is that we are born with rounded eyeballs, and they do not begin to flatten out naturally and healthily until we are much older. and that watching television as infants and toddlers forces the eyeballs to flatten themselves out (against nature and their will) in order to compute what is being seen on a flat television screen (now, if you have not invested in the FLAT SCREEN per se, you are not absolved of any guilt here...the old-fashioned screens are definitely more flat than round...so they are bad for childrens' eyes as well). okay. stepping down off of soapbox. there is a television and VCR in my classroom that has yet to be pled for by my students. i hope to not turn them on in their presence for the entire school year. although i am sure there might be a few occasions...i did it twice during last school year. clifford before nap time one day. and winnie the pooh in spanish another day. all for naught. i talked to my sister for an awfully long time on thursday night. it was fun. i miss her much. of course when we lived in the same city as each other, we were horrible at spending time together. how silly is that? and my father is about to move halfway around the world, and i will probably see him more once he's there than i do now, when he lives a mile away. we have all got issues. of proximity and honesty and communication. i ran into an ex-classmate the other day in the grocery store and recognized her face but could not conjure up her name. but i wanted to let her know that i recognized her, so i said, 'didn't we go to school together?' and in response, she called me by name and then offered up her own name so as to save me from embarrassing myself by having decided on the wrong name for her. anyway, she had her child with her, who was as tall as each of us. shudder. i still like to think i look younger than most of the people i keep running in to that are my same age. except for a few days this week, i looked into the mirror and saw a 45 year old woman. who had not drunk enough water or taken enough vitamins or exercised enough. i am certain it is not as bad as i initially perceived, but it had a sobering effect on me. well, i am struggling with whether or not to cook breakfast at home (my inclination) or to wait for my company to wake up and get ready to go out for food. she will likely sleep at least another hour and a half (as she never has the luxury), which i do not resent. so perhaps i will shuffle into the kitchen. i have been awake for 2.5 hours so far, have been reading and drinking english breakfast tea lying on the couch with my snuggly quilt my paternal grandmother made for me in 1979. that is life.

The Power Of An Endless Life

How captivating and powerful is that phrase? I heard it for the first time last night in a bible study that I am doing in the book of Hebrews. It comes from Hebrews 7:16 -- (15. there arises another priest) who has come, not according to the law of a fleshly commandment, but according to the power of an endless life. Wow. Anyway, I was thinking that that phrase would make a great book title, so if Void If Detached does not work for my future publisher, perhaps we will have to take a different route and go with The Power Of An Endless Life. It takes my breath every time I read it. I should be finishing this quarterly assessment that I am working on for work, but I am continually distracted. First by an incoming email. Then by the occurrence of a little idea I had which inspired me to call a friend in California. Then there is this fabulous music I am listening to. And to top it all off, today, there were bestowed upon me two tickets to see one of my all-time favorites, Dolly Parton, in a private suite situation in Dallas -- I'm calling it a birthday present, simply because it falls about two weeks before my actual birthday, and starting a few months ago, I told my friends that seeing Dolly was all I wanted for the big day. I was thinking yesterday that I had saved another idea for a book title, but I, of course, have forgotten it. I will have to consult sent emails as I know I sent it to one person in particular. Oh to have a staff to do these things for me. My life would be much more enjoyable and productive. I met someone recently who is a newlywed, and she is already complaining that she wants her new husband (i think it's been four days now) to let her sleep once she's gone to sleep. Yikes. Long hard road ahead, eh? I am taping Will & Grace in a feeble attempt to force myself to focus on this little bit of work I have to get done. And I have no plans to watch ER until the weekend. Considering they are the only 1.5 hours of television I watch on a regular basis, if at all, I do not feel so pathetic. Am not sure what's come over me, but I am using capital letters which is kind of exhausting. I watched a muy dark film yesterday called In The Cut starring Mark Ruffalo and Meg Ryan. Whew. Muy oscura.

Swaying

Did you know that swaying from side to side actually activates the brain to calm you down? I have been doing these Brain Gym exercises with my students, and I swear it has made for a more peaceable classroom. Of course, it all depends on the day, and it certainly depends on the moon. Lunatic does not start with the Latin word for "moon" for no reason. These kids just go bat guano whenever they are anticipating a full moon, whether they know that are awaiting it or not. I am just listening to Lee Ann Womack's new single, "I May Hate Myself In The Morning", and it is quite beautifully executed. It's good to hear her voice next door to a steel guitar solo again. Right where it should be. And it's a good thing. Why, all of a sudden, am I using capital letters? Good lord, does this mean I am growing up? Without my knowledge? Or even my consent? I am sleepy, and I am afraid that I have missed the "go-to-bed" window that is so very crucial in my life. If I miss the window, it's very likely that you will be reading another entry from me, after hours of failed attempts at sleep, somewhere around 3:30 am. Look for it to be far less coherent. Which should put fear in your heart. I cannot believe it's time to vote for president again. Vote for the best friend of Israel so as to accelerate the rapture and Jesus can just come back and take me home!

What Next?

am in the process of considering what God wants me to do next. is it plannning an exit strategy? is it continuing to do what i do but in a different setting? what are my career options? i am teachable. how important is it to me to do something that really matters in the world? i think very. money is not all that important to me, although i would like to have enough of it to use recreationally from time to time. it is better to keep my creative exploits unencumbered by deadlines and other expectations? perhaps so. does anyone really even care? pray for me.

Urban, Pollock, Picasso, Rothko and More

I am just back from a much-fun 29-hour chick-weekend adventure with my friend LM. we went to see keith urban in concert in the DFW area, and it was an incredible show. if you get the chance, you should check him out on his current tour which goes into november in america, i think. www.keithurban.net. not a sour note played or sung throughout the entire show. very impressive as always. then we went to grab a bite to eat and a drink at humperdink's near six flags and were approached by a selection of men. one man from odessa who was stupefyingly short on words and two others who were quite intelligent, confident and engaging. it is always refreshing to desire to maintain an ongoing conversation with someone. it is official -- i find someone in command of the english language and a broad vocabulary very intriguing and sexy. it is somewhat sad that in saying that is the inherent implication that finding such a person is such a rare occurrence (the exception rather than the rule) that it immediately draws my attention and interest. today, we went to esperanza's -- one of my favorite spots to eat in the fort worth area. then to The Modern -- a beautiful building and stunning collection of modern art -- the second largest only to the MoMA in New York City. i loved it. i find my connection to modern art, for the most part, provokes in me a sense of tangibility and empathy with the artists that it is difficult to muster with artists from ages past. i feel their pain, i suppose. do not get me wrong -- i find a large quantity of what is considered art in the modern era not only intangible but also downright pretentious. and sometimes, i wonder if a piece's entire purpose might not be to make fun of the very art community that is deifying its creator in the process of admiring or purchasing it for their collection. therein lies the beauty of art, i suppose. all for now. going to read my sunday times. and to try to get some decent sleep that does not involve 14 thread count hotel sheets on an undulating mattress in a 20 degree room. wait that was last night. erase.

Anticipation

Sometimes, I wonder if, in anticipation of things to come, we do not waste away the perfectly potentially wonderful moment that we are inhabiting. I find myself completely guilty of this mistake almost on a daily basis. Whether a symptom of having been taught to think on a higher level or whether a symptom of a brain chemical mis-fire, I am committing today to myself to not waste my time or God's time anymore by wondering. I am going to do and make happen. Of course, I have no idea what it is that I am supposed to do or what it is that I am supposed to make happen, but I am at the very least promising to not clog up the messageways with my own intentions. I pause to see if I feel any differently. I am certain that I will feel a burden being lifted fairly immediately. I am taking off my engineer's cap and no longer driving this train. Being, by nature, a more reflective person, perhaps the caboose is more my speed.

Fake

Inauthentic. Disingenuous. That is what I am afraid of being. Yet it seems that our everyday lives are carefully constructed to encourage inauthenticity. Countless numbers of emotionally unintelligent people in whom we cannot confide, who were never cared for and bolstered enough by a significant adult -- parent, teacher or employer -- to be able to not only tolerate but perhaps invite constructive criticism. I am not saying that I am not one of these people on any given day -- downright fragile at times -- but as a rule, I want to be and know and do better, and I cannot be, know and do on my own. Maybe that is why I should continue to do the work I do and work on my own ability to deflect the negative influences of other people and their flawed philosophies. For today, that is where I stand. Maybe this is why I should drink coffee every morning.

Irrational Thoughts

although it should have no effect on me at all, that the office worker who had no idea i was around today felt that it would be alright and socially and professionally acceptable to openly criticize my classroom in a roomful of co-workers, has deeply affected me. i kind of felt like the top of my head might blow off while i was overhearing the other co-worker caution her that i was less than three feet away, though out of sight. a few minutes later, said perpetrator, skulks into the cubicle in which i was inadvertently hidden and greets me, "hi...miss ********". shrouded in a cloak of anti-hypocrisy, i did not even cast her a glance. i just continued doing my paperwork and filing my papers. i was so taken aback at the lack of professionalism, even from an office aide, that i had to focus on the task at hand or i might have launched into a less-than-professional tirade myself. today, for the first time ever, i actually contemplated all of the pros and cons of breaking a contract. seriously. i have skills.

Tonight I Want To Cry

I am listening to a song of this name on Keith Urban's new CD Be Here. It's a good one. If I were dating someone, and we broke up, I would probably put it on repeat and listen to it until the wine was gone. Tonight, while I was out walking three miles, I decided to run for a chunk of it. I don't run. But don't tell my body. I am sure it will get me the message loud and clear tomorrow.

Cookies, Milk, Etc.

does it drive anyone else crazy when people write "etc." like this: "ect."? not the same. i just made some chocolate chip-pecan cookies that resulted less than stellar. partly because i forgot about them and partly because i had two fairly unsavory arguments with customer service representatives at verizon wireless while attempting to enjoy them. upon receiving an almost $200 bill, i contacted the company to question why, even though i had dates/names/quoted figures and specific written instructions on a calling plan change i made last month, they are refusing to acknowledge that "eleanor" did, in fact, speak with me and make a calling plan change in anticipation of my trip to mexico. i am still waiting (after third phone call) to speak with a supervisor. my question is this: what, in fact, was "eleanor the phantasm" doing for the fifteen minutes that i was engaged with her on the customer service line. peeling grapes? i did not invent this web site to vent my frustration with the functionally illiterate in our midst, so i shall not tarry long to complain, but i had to tell someone, and the other friend i called to unload on was trying desperately to celebrate her birthday in a loud restaurant. so i excused her. billing dispute resolution is no way to spend your birthday, anyway. i started reading a really good book today called bee season. it reminded me of how i was 1st runner-up in my school spelling bee in the sixth grade. and how nerve-wracking it was to stand up there in front of the whole world only to spell "piecemeal" wrong. oh the shame and humiliation. i also bought, much to some of your delight, memoirs of a geisha and i know this much is true. both about a million years later than the rest of the reasonably hip literary set. having botched the cookie batch, i will finish my mini-glass of organic, hormone-free milk and get back to bee season. i think i can finish it this weekend. to the detriment of lesson plans and mounds of paperwork, i am sure; but in the end, i shall be a happier worker bee.